Have you ever had one of those friends that you thought was your ride or die kind of friend? When you are in crisis and are at your lowest, don’t you kind of think they would be the one there for you and comfort you in time of need? You know that one you call when you have lost your one thing that means so much that you grieve for it. When you are in hysterics when you call, waiting for that calm that you need to move on? I thought I did, well I do. But I honestly believed that I had more than one. Can’t bitch to much because I have a few. This one, just hurt my heart. Whether anyone knows or not, I have mentioned her, not by name so much as to how she treated me.
Here a while back when I went to court and found out the ex-had erased my stuff from off the computer, he took that I had stored stuff on. I was absolutely devastated, my heart hurt from the pain I felt. I felt like I lost someone. I lost a lot of my history in that file, and he just deleted it. I depended on those pictures and voice clip for my memories. I don’t keep them or have many from my past. He with no care just threw them away and the judge did nothing for me that day, even after all that she knew. He always wins. Didn’t deserve it. oh, anyway…
I called on this friend, she was one of the bests. I was hysterical and sobbing. Driving home, I just wanted to shut it down, I was losing control over myself and felt like I was going to break again. When I called her, of course she says to calm down and take deep breath and talk to her. So, I continued to do that and talk. When I told her all that just had accrued, her response was worse than the beating I just endured. I say we lost signal, but truth is… I couldn’t bear to hear any more of what she was saying. She was so cold and uncaring. She told me that it was just pictures, that I needed to worry about my mental health and comment myself. Ok? I was totally floored; I wasn’t expecting her response and I hung up. I said we were disconnected, but I was so ashamed to have hung up on her. It seemed so childish. She did come at me with a text letting me know that if I had hung up that I can keep my bullshit to myself and not her doorstep. She says that there was no reason for me to be that upset. That other people have shit going on in their lives that are as bad if not worse than some pictures.
I get all that, but I didn’t need her harsh truth. And the truth is after i had gotten rid of the shit going through and was just devastated over, I am good to ask, “what’s going on with you”. I didn’t even get that chance. She shut me down with harsh words and cold emotions. There is a time when we need that slap of truth a crossed the face and a time, we need to have compassion. She was always like that, good like that. She even told me she wasn’t going to coddle me anymore and sugar coat shit, that I needed to focus on my mental. So, even if she was right, then was not the time for her to be that way. I was feeling grief. I lost a big portion of my life, my son growing up, and my memories. I felt like someone died. I realize that she may have had shit going on and really should have felt something coming sooner. That last few times I had talked to her she seemed distant. I guess maybe she was upset with me or just don’t have the time or place in her life with my bullshit. Hurts because I would have never done that to her.
I really don’t know what I’m tripping on. I mean in all honestly, though I thought her to be my Gemini twin friend. And if I am honest, I have an amazing network of friends. I can say that I have four of the most amazing friends, and not too many people they can say that and be true. Friends are hard to come by friends that you trust beyond that point of no worries, they got you as you do them. If not for them I wouldn’t have come out of this with the bit of wits I still contain. They tell me I’m amazing, beautiful, strong, and good mom and more. It warms my heart, to try so hard to be a certain kind of person and have it validated that you are what you stride to be. I love them very much, and I feel that love right back every day. It feels good to know that you can be yourself no matter what and never be judged for it even if you should be. Sometimes I can be bad about saying something, and I will say it because I have no filter. And rather look at me a certain way, I’ll get a smile or giggle because, I say things that most just think about. I do it without thinking most time. And sometimes I get a shock from one of them, but they know when I’m speaking about it, I’m not doing it. it’s when I am quiet that people should worry, I be thinking some bad shit sometimes. Even if they did judge me, they would never let me feel as they did. I am truly blessed.
The best of the best is the man I live with. My best friend. It’s scary sometimes because I feel like he knows me better than I know myself. You know that even to this day, in only five months of talking again he has giving me a lifetime of memories. We were very close to each other years ago, I let him go for the Demond of a man. Was a terrible almost life-threatening mistake. I had him so far back in my mind that when I was free, I didn’t think to get a hold of him. I so wish I had, and this mess with the ex-never happened. I am glad after all these years to have closure with the ex, but I wish it wasn’t with the toll it’s taken on my mental and my son. If the ex-never would have called to ask for a shower I would of never gave him another thought. I would have been free to help the memory man when he needed someone after his accident. This was in May; I was with the ex for almost eight years. I could have maybe had seen memory man sooner. I vaguely remember stopping there after class one day. He had popped in my head, and I randomly stopped……….
So, I just took a bit to try and put a time frame together. Like as to when I got back in touch with the memory man, then when I wrote about the random thought that drove me to his house then and that timeline. You know? I had just gotten with ex for maybe not a year yet. I should have never let him back into my life, they are exes for a good reason. I was in such a hurry that day to get back, I was already being controlled by him even that early. I should have never had the anxiety to stop and check on him or see him. We had been close friends and though I had not much a memory of our past then, I know I felt a certain way. He had sent me a friends request the previous day that triggered it. It sparked something. I wish I would of listen to whatever that inner self was telling me that day to stop.
After his accident he got a hold of me. Was in May he sent me a message asking for my help. I had to tell him no, made me feel sad to have done so. I at the time didn’t remember, or know as I do now why, but it was a few weeks later I randomly stopped in to see him. He wasn’t there of course. But I called the next time to make sure of it. It was innocent enough to do so because we were just friends, right? (That is what I thought at the time.) I didn’t realize I would have the flood of feelings I had. Like a rush of memories that have not been there before. An awaking of a part of you that you didn’t even know you missed.
There was a girl there, I couldn’t even call her a woman. She looked to be like a kid. She was the ugliest thing. I will as I did then call her twiggy. I will tell you it was the one time I felt uncomfortable with him. I didn’t know, but something inside me felt like it was wrong that I was supposed to be that comfortable. I had no right to feel that way, but I still had to confront him about it. He said that he didn’t even want her to be there that she wouldn’t leave, then I knew there was a part of me that had been dead in me for a while. There was a spark of feeling I can’t really articulate in words to explain. There was so much I didn’t remember but was going on a feeling instead of a memory. And so, I stopped a second time. It was then he made a memory happen. Well, it was on after that, I was hooked on the rush of remembering. The more I remembered the more distant I got from the ex. Yeah, he thinks and would like to believe it was because I was with him, and I left him for memory man. Just isn’t the case at all. I never while we were together did I ever cheat. Yeah, I guess I might have been mentally or emotionally, but I had never done anything wrong. The only thing we were doing is making me remember the me I used to be. I was better than the way I was letting the ex-treat us. I made him leave because the memory man helped me see my worth was so much more than I felt. I got strong enough to say enough is enough. I didn’t want to move on so much as to put a means to an end. It was going to happen, it just a matter of when. I knew I was done some few years ago. I just was scared, and so soon after my youngest’s father. Between the memory man and my best friend, they gave me strength and will to want better than what I had settled in. I got a glimpse of what a happier me was.
This wasn’t an easy thing for me to do, he had me talked into quitting a job, it was good to be there for my son, but quitting isn’t in my nature. I wouldn’t have quit if I had seen the future that soon the ex and I was goanna be over. I was breaking when I had him leave. He had a nice chunk of money he left out of here with and the furniture and appliances. There was the fight where I slightly became cracked. I was now mad and ready to fight. It was bad, I got hurt, but I would do it again and sooner if I knew what was waiting for me on the other side of it.
I came to the memory man a broken woman whose pieces most would have swept away in the dustpan. But he loved me enough to help me put my pieces back together again. I don’t care how anyone else sees it. I don’t care who wants to judge, I don’t care who’s hurt, and I don’t care what anyone thinks about us unless its good things, this was a gift and good for me. I don’t remember life without him before, or what I could ever be without him. He showed me happy. Who would have thought? I never seen it coming but has been a great surprise in life for me and my son.
Boy, I wasn’t expecting it to go all there. My whole point was expressing the pain a someone whom I felt was my friend, and instead I went to the one whom showed me a friend, happy and love.
As always, I love you memory man!
Good night and God bless!
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