Another random rant

I am only human, sometimes my days are really dark. Sometimes they can last over a week. It gets to be enough is enough. My mom would say, “Give it to God” and tell me to just get over it, that I am not the only one who is dealing with shit. You know I do get it, and I do like she says, not because she told me to, but because it's all I got. I pray to take it and show me a light in my tunnel. I'd settle for a candle at this point, it just gets to the point of wanting it to stop desperately. I have stated before I don't want to die, but sometimes I can't help but thinking about the peace. Don't get all concerned about anything, like I said don't want to die, just want it all to stop. It really sucks losing control over your life when once you were a control freak. It's like my power was taken from me.

Really, I almost feel guilty feeling as down as I do with all I have been blessed with. I feel like at times I am hitting a gift horse in the mouth by feeling as I do. It's strange I know, but for the real, I am so happy, memory man is such a good man. He is great with my son and is a good man to look up too. It's good for him to see someone treat his mom good then how it was. If I am so happy then why am I on such a low? Well, depression I am sure I've stated before is not a choice, but a condition. I have been this way for years. I thought my happiness would make it all go away. Then you have the other disorders to consider and with them are manic episodes and that is like a roller coaster of emotions.

I don't think customer service is something I could do anymore. I am sick of being something I am not. Wearing that fake as smile and so tired of pretending everything is OK. It isn't and hasn't been for a really long time. Since the last trauma I have had triggered a lot of my past trauma, well this in itself has been problematic and come to find out, I've had a problem for years. Since very young I didn't realize just how bad it was. For the last ten years I have been somewhat on autopilot and just going through the motions. Customer service always came easy to me because keeping a pleasant greeting was part of the job description. So, I always looked at it like, OK time to put your game face on. Just like any job, you have to have the appropriate game face and pretend that you haven't a care in the world. It's not been an easy task throughout the years, the last ten have been wearing a fake mask. I say to the customer, “How you doing today? Of course, I would come back with a big smile and say, “I'm absolutely fabulous”. A game I would play with the customer. Like playing bullshit. My name tag even said fabulous. I never liked my real name on my tag, then they will approach you on the street like your best friends, and then you wonder who the fuck they were because they knew your name. Sometimes it would just freak me out, you wait on all these people and have these fake conversations because you got the gift to gab. Then you have the ones who want to talk about personal shit like you're the local bar tender or hairdresser. I hate to be like that, but I am so different on the other side of the counter. And now, I am much worse. I feel myself just wanting to be antisocial.

I hate the conflict in my person, it's like a constant tug of war of emotion going on. Literally everything that goes on in my life, and in my head is a battle within my mind. I have a hard time making decisions Things that shouldn't even be a problem. I used to chalk it up to being a Gemini. They always say that they are twins, one different than the other. But now with these alters well call them, I'm more confused than ever. Then throw my son in the mix. Sometimes he is just completely disrespectful and treats me like the ex. Just does what he wants no matter what I take away. On top of that we home school. I am not smarter than a 4th grader and didn't want to sign up to be a teacher. Lord, we fight about doing his work and catch him all the time playing some game on the computer.

Another thing that is really bothering me, with everything I have going on, I'm unable to work and face it, there really isn't anything online to make money at. I can't do public no more. Mentally I don't think I can do it. This is a problem because I am so used to working and controlling the money, it's driving me nuts not having the control of knowing I got the funds to cover the bills. I hate waiting till the last minute. I get so much anxiety about it. I am the one used to be in charge of the bills. I have always done it on my own, you'd think I would be happy to have someone else take over the reins. I guess I would feel better if he was giving me something out of each check for the rent, taxes, and or child support have to just take and believe he will take care of it or find a way to do so. It's hard to let someone else take over. So far, he has managed to come through.

He goes to have blood work next week, then surgery the week after for a hernia. They say that the heal time shouldn't be like the one he had before. I guess it was pretty bad and healing time took forever. But this doctor says that three small holes in the belly and they do what they do and two weeks he should be back on his feet. I bet mom and pop aren't going to be happy bout rent being late. I just hope that they don't use this against him.

Well, my rant of random shit is over, I guess. I am finding it hard to stay awake. Memory man's mom is coming to get my son and I; we came here to Agnes's today for a while and I want to go home. I want my car back; I wish I would have just come home that day. I hate the way I feel about it. Well, I can't play that shouda woulda game. I am truly driving myself insane. Like I was playing with a full deck anyways. God must think I'm a bad bitch. They say he never throws more at you than you can handle. Please God, give me strength, I can't take too much more here.

Rant over, have a blessed evening.