A Part timer or Lifer, Mourning their loss

I really got one eating at me at the moment and bear with me. This one could be very long. I realize something about some friends. I've heard it for years but just now do I really understand by some people come to our lives for seasons or a lifetime. It took knowing the true people I have been blessed with who have shown me the difference between a “lifer” to know what a “part timer” is, and what the seasonal friend looks like. I have just this year are finding my lifers. And I can say that I have been blessed with a few. You would be lucky to say you have one. They are a rare breed. They can see you at your worse and know where it comes from, not judge you, and help you work through it and not walk away from you. I have just this week have found I have been trying to make a part timer a lifer for years and it's just not the way it is. This one is a part timer.

When I went to jail the first time I was devastated, the first time away from my children and my middle son was just a baby. My clients I cleaned for thought I was taking care of my father dealing with cancer at the time. So, I found myself alone in a place I knew no one, without family, or my children. My business I lost as well. I was completely devastated. All I did was cry. When I first got there, they put me in the day room and all these girls were looking at me through this little window in the cell doors and there were probably over twenty girls there, it was a federal holding, and not that it made a difference, but some of these women had hair on their faces. Some in for murder, meth and theft, all different kinds of stuff. I was scared to death. I just got there when they were locked down for lunch and all eyes on me. The doors finally popped, and they all came out. I went to my cell and the woman who was there was on her way out. So, I would be alone. One girl in particular made it her mission to talk to me and made sure I was OK; she then made it her mission to help me out. She went to the guards and ask if she could be moved to my cell that I was having a really rough time. She gave up her cell that she didn't have to share with anyone to come lock down with me for three months. You know I don't even recall why she was there. We talked for hours about ourselves and cases. You know something, I have done plenty of shit in my time I should have done some time for but what time I served was because of the wrong people at the wrong time. She must have seen a lot of time here or there because she was very knowledgeable about how it all works. She was really good at giving you an idea of what charges would come about and time you would probably get as well as whether you would get any time at all.

She let me know really quick that I had to stop crying that it was going to get me picked on because it showed a certain kind of weakness that would be easy to pray on. So, she would tell me about her kids and how she overcame the thinking about it all the time. Told me I was fortunate to know when I was leaving and already sentenced. She was still up in the air with hers. She explains it to me that I had to do the time and not let the time do me. Make sense... so we went on with never a dull moment, she had a gift of telling a story, I loved to hear about her life, family and what she'd been through. I found it fascinating really. It was just as good as watching TV. We got to be really good friends. And we were in the cell that had a view. Lmao of a tree and the station parking lot. A lot of the girls would stop by and ask if they could look out the window. I'll admit that some days it felt more like a slumber party with just random girls. We would play a lot of cards, made some dice from toilet paper. We even played named that inmate. She did whatever she could do to make time easier on all of us. I thought it took going to jail to find a friend.

For years I have felt like I owe her my life forever. She never truly got to the magnitude of what she did for me. When I got out, I sent her money when I could, send her mail and cards. Always made sure I spayed what I sent with something to smell on the mail. It always stunk in there. Got her a cross, sent puzzles and color pictures. I even gave her a place to stay for a while years ago, when she got out. It didn't work out. She couldn't take seeing me in the toxic relationship I was in. Some years later I found where my son's bio the “devil” had gotten us in trouble and went to jail. I was only there for four days, but DCS took him from me for a short time and gave to my mom and pop. I was able to live there so I was able to see him. I had those hoops to jump. So, I didn't want to do it on my own, so I invited her to stay with me. She was dealing with something similar. We would do this together.

Long story short, I won't go into detail cause that's not what it's about. This didn't work out. We both just wasn't going at the same pace anyway, not really sure. I got my son back in less than six months. She never did get hers back. Still to this day, they have been adopted out. I think she had had six all together. She could never stay away or out of trouble, when I see things going south, I jumped ship and bailed. For her and or some of you may think that was bad for me to do to her. I was working, got the place, pd the bills, and did everything I was supposed to do. She, I am sure done something to contribute, I just don't remember what. What I do remember is taking my grandmas ring off when taking a shower, going to work, was there not even twenty minutes, realized I didn't have it on. I immediately went home, and it was gone. If I remember correctly, she even helped me look for it. Long story to that made short is, the jewelry store has her on camera with it. She remembered the ring. Was an opal. Beautiful ring, gone forever. I believe that was always a thing for her. She took and gave her boyfriend my boy's game system too. Still said I would always be there for her even though I knew she had done this and deny it to this day.

So, fast forward a little bit. Throughout the years I have always answered her calls or messages. Post on her Facebook. I made sure to keep in touch with her. I suspected she was just getting worse throughout the years. I believe she was doing hard drugs and I believe her boyfriend was beating on her now as well from some of the things she had said when I would check on her. He was sleeping with whores for dope, and I wouldn't be surprised if he made her as well too. Not fair for me to judge. I do remember her telling me an omg moment when she said that he had aids, I would later ask her about it, and she acted like she didn't know what I was saying. I couldn't get her to video chat me much, but there had been a time or two that I would stalk her page and catch a picture of her video with her son. She looked horrible; I was blown away. We are talking about someone who was so cute and love her girly pink shit, always had her hair done, with make up on perfect. She was a very girly girl type.

She was homeless for a long while, when she lost the chance to get any of the kids, she just gave up, I think. I can't imagine how she felt. I hurt for her as a mom. She was given the opportunity to do all she needed to and still thought she could beat the system and do as she did and get away with it. Well, it caught up to her. Because the kids are in another family now, then she a few years back had another baby, she I don't think even got the chance but to hold her, and they took her from her too. I don't want to make like I have any idea what it was like for her, but I do know that life is all about the choices we make. She didn't make good choices then and she's not now. I have made my fair share of choices that landed me into shit I will never erase from my brain, choices that had caused me and my mind to fracture. Choices that broke my heart into pieces with trauma I'm still trying to cope with.

It would get to where I could not get her to answer me anymore unless it was through messages, and that started to get rough as well. I would worry about her, and if I bothered enough, she would eventually at least message me back. The thing is, and I don't know it to be true. Mainly because I loved her and what she did by helping me to do my time in jail and not let it do me. She held me together at the most loneliness I had ever been. I have kept my word all these years and let her do me and make me feel guilty when confronted. I look back and now I am thinking that she is what I believe to be a narcissistic woman. Very toxic and I would watch her do devious things to fuck with people that crossed her. Time came to where I really needed her. This was before I realized the people that came to be here in my life. I was breaking and being abused, and I needed my friend. I felt as much as I had done and been there for her, how can she not do the same for me? I started with just a bit of what was happening at the time, and she never respond, and this went on for a long time. Maybe, out of ten tries I would get one message. Things for me just kept getting worse and worse. I wanted time with her. We listened to each other unconditionally, hey three months with a girl in one cell and learn to poop in front of them... you get a sense of a safe place to vent the messes without judgment. Then it was to where I would get nothing, even when I was in a panic and needed her the most. So, I lost my shit on her through messenger.

I said to her the meanest and most hurtful things I could come up with, if for no other reason but to get some kind of response. Nothing! When I did get one from her it was how she found God and that I shouldn't be so mean and no reason to be so hurtful, that I needed to give it to God. JUST LIKE MY MOM, THEN SHE STARTED TO ACT LIKE HER AS WELL! Oh, I was livid. I quit trying after that, wait at some point in time I do recall a message about how people thought she was um.... not sure what she actually said, but I came away with her telling me that people were treating her like a God or Jesus or something. Or maybe some angel. She had said she would explain another time, but like I said, it really didn't happen till just the other night. I won't forget it as long as I live. Finally, we get to talk, and I don't know what I was thinking but I really thought she was looking to see how I was holding up. I couldn't have been more wrong. It's always about her and what's going on with her. Oh, I heard from her before when she was perceived as an angel or something because her daddy was dying, saddened me, he was a good man, loved him. But at the same time, she was losing her mom as well and they didn't get along. She didn't like her at all. Her mom didn't like her. Wanted nothing to do with her even on her death bed. Says something don't it.

When I finally get her on video, I am blown away at the fact I barely recognized her at all. She had teeth missing, I could barely understand what she was saying. Talking about the place where she lives. What goes on there, the people and how they say she has a bright light about her. How she gets treated like she's famous. Then talked about how there had been a seance there and how it opened some whole for spirits of an evil nature to go back and forth through. I can't tell you what all that she said but I will here in a minute tell you what I was left feeling what was said to me. I am foggy of her details because in the video camera right in front of me she started to shoot up. For fuck sake's she didn't even try to hide it, just did it like lighting a cigarette. I was in shock so with that said, the details after this are very cloudy. After she did it, that is when she was quiet enough to hear me ask her, “do you really want to know what I think?” she said yes so, I was trying to be careful and tell her the truth without trying to hurt her. I mean I figured when I did so, then we would get around to letting me get some stuff off my chest. Again, I was wrong.

You all can call me crazy, but I see color around people, call it an aura or whatever. I think music has color too. I let her know that I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but the color she describes the people surrounding her say is just not what I see. It's a rare thing for someone to be surrounded by white light. Just a rare thing, but with her that wasn't the case. Her color would be if you looked to the sky with the full moon shining that dark blue without the glow is what I had seen around her. It was very cloudy and muddy. I didn't even get the chance but to tell her what that color meant and then all of a sudden, her boyfriend come home, and she has to go. Well, I then went on in messages with the meanings to her color and her boyfriend. When I first got on with her there was a glimpse of him and his is even darker, muddy red almost black. For the meaning of hers was, her energy is negative and lack of security, not able to embrace truth and could and would interfere with her decisions of intent. Now with the boyfriend his was even darker and red. His is abuse, anger, hostility and that I can see being true cause like I said, he used to beat on her. So, it makes sense to me that was his color.

So, putting this all aside. We already know I have lost my mind, but had she lost hers? My opinion. On the drugs you would think so because of the fact that she is under the influence, but I think that it's enhanced what maybe going on there around her. Everyone believes differently, I believe her, I think she has landed somewhere where there is evil. I think that because of the murders, overdoses, and rapes that go on there have stained where she is. She had said this place she thought was an experiment gone wrong and they put people who were on the streets in this big ass apartment building and left them there so to no longer be on the streets. So, no one cares what happens there unless someone dies. I think that the people surrounding her are vessels that have lost their souls. They carry no light, and she has a presence of color still, they see this and it's bright because they want what color she has left. She says to them they have to get right with God and in this message, I sent told her that she may have the faith and knowledge, didn't mean she was right with God, or she wouldn't be poisoning her vessel that he gave her. I believe everything she says past the haze of the drug goggles on. You all can't tell me you don't believe in spirits or haunted houses. Well, I honestly believe that she has landed in an evil place with lost souls, and she did send me some pics of her and her son on video chat and there was something in the background she wanted me to see. Well, she sent four pics and I couldn't help but to see this orb in them around her. One it's on her head, the other to her side and another in front of her round her heart. So, the light that might be is maybe her parents. The orbs glow, she did not. Maybe they see that. They keep her close like the dead to a live soul. The energy and desire to feel the life. She thinks she's helping them, and I believe that is the drugs, she can't save herself let alone someone else, especially a group of them. She was lost herself.

It's sad really, after I messaged all this along with much other stuff, I let her know that I was glad I could be there for her to talk to. That I could see it made her feel lighter and that she needed someone to hear her. Then I told her that I didn't mean to be selfish, but I was a star in a shitshow that I could use and ear to listen to me that I needed to have her listen to my woes too. But maybe it was too much what I said. Maybe, she didn't like what I said. She said she wanted to know my thoughts and I gave them to her. And when I asked her to listen to me.... I have seen where she has seen my message and won't respond. I even asked for the favor to let me know that she is just upset with me or mad. I didn't want to believe that she just didn't care for me to do the same and just listen. Hurt me, I have decided this will be the last time I let her do that to me.

This is my way of having a funeral for her in my mind. I will not be contacting her anymore; I see now what everyone else did and warned me about. She is the epitome of toxic and is probably where she belongs. I will mourn the woman I believed I knew and missed. I believe she died a long time ago if ever she was alive. I am just glad at that point in my life she was there. This is now what I mean by, I get the saying about people can be “part timers or lifers” she was a part timer I tried to have been a lifer. Should have cut that lose long before I let her in when I did years ago.

Goodbye ole friend, be in peace.

Good night out there and God bless everyone!