Today has been a very dark day for me. On the positive, I remained present for the most part of the day. My son had a rough start to the day, I had the most difficult time getting his school computer to my internet. I started trying at 7:30 this morning. I have been spending the last couple of months I think or better with a friend of mine, she's been a great deal of help to my mental. She is so smart and helps me remain calm and she is not just well educated, she's very resourceful. Her scheduled just became very busy here this weekend, and she has a previous boyfriend back in her life. So, she has been extremely busy I would suppose. I had been trying to get a hold of her this weekend about the upcoming week ahead and how school would be. Where I was staying there was no internet at all and though I do at home, I have no idea what I was supposed to be doing. Sounds bad, but she is not only the one to set it up for me, but she also told me she would be his learning coach as well. So, needless to say, I spent the day alone at home, with my son, as well as doing school with him. It's been really a rough day. My son at first when he got up, he wasn't hungry, so I thought I would start trying to connect to the internet, it literally took me till almost noon to figure out how to get it to connect to the hot spot on my phone. Then took me till almost five to figure how to get the computer online. I have been battling with seizors, staying present, and staying awake. All I wanted to do here lately is sleep. I can only imagine what we have been for her the last couple months we've been there every day, well six days a week. So, though I know she was busy with sports and new boyfriend, I still have that feeling that I wouldn't want to listen to me anyway. Today I promised myself I wouldn't bother her today. Trust me it was very hard for me to do especially with all the trouble I had today. I am not just educationally stupid with some subjects; I am completely dumb with computers. She is just smart at all of it. It was very hard not to call her. When I couldn't reach her, I got to feeling a certain way and very depressed. I went to having so much to keep me busy today, I did nothing but fuck with these computers all day and crying the whole time. The later in the day went that she didn't call, the more I started to spiral. I tried to call my bestie from childhood and can't get an answer from her today either. When I cut my son lose on his classes I spent most the rest of my time in my room crying. It was then I realized that though I had been blessed with some good people, I guess I'm selfish like that. I realized that that's all I really had. That made me even sadder.
The man on the bike is bothering me very badly, and with good right to. Its an image I will never erase from my mind. Really this is what I was wanting to air out about. This is something I sure didn't need to happen. I almost killed a man on a bike. Going 24 hours thinking he may be dead was complete torturer. I just mad it worse and worse on myself as the day went on. I did hear from another bestie that lives so far away. I owe her money for something that was a complete solid. I couldn't of used the help more at the time. Got behind in everything, its hard not working anymore. I told her that she would be a priority when I got my taxes back. I didn't get what I thought I would, and one thing after another it was getting harder and harder to get her pd. It wasn't for a lack of thinking about it. Felt guilty enough not getting it to her sooner. This is why she called for, and reminded me of the priority I was going to make it to pay her back. She got desperate for cash, luckily he had it to give her, I only had 100 of it and she didn't want it like that she wanted the whole 200 then. She called at such a bad time, and yet couldn't been more relieved to hear from her. I am sure she didn't want to deal with me at the moment but it caused me to go into overdrive with emotion cause she thought I was coping an attitude with her. Really wasn't the case, was very overwhelmed and it came to a point she had to go after I had opened the sore and was ready to go like my therapist did when I was in such a state. I was not OK, but still kept from calling my friend. Tomorrow I will try and not bother her tomorrow. Makes me sad, I don't adapt well with change any better than my son does. I guess he gets it honestly. I've always hated to be alone since I was a child. I guess she was ready for a break.
When I didn't get anyone to pick up, I wanted to call my dad. And the way I was feeling I didn't need him to worry about me like that in the state of mind. Sometimes it gets so bad that I think of bad shit to do. So, instead I called my oldest. Hes 30 come September. He took the hit today, we shouldn't as parents do that to our kids. But I am glad I talked with him. Shortly after memory man came home and gave me a big hug. I so much needed that. I told him about my day, when I was having so much difficulty he even tried calling her and she never answered or called back. Which also makes me feel a certain way, I get it, being busy and all. It would of took her just a bit, that is a lie, I would have taken up enough time she would have been sorry she had called. I feel like I have been a burden on everyone because of the fear I have of being alone with my son. Hes not had to witness or be a part of what happens when I get like that. Was so scared the day would of went bad for him too.
Tomorrow will be Tuesday, and I wont be done editing this and getting a picture to go alone with it. The plan is not to bother her tomorrow either. Must be sad to have to be like a babysitter for someone as old as I am to her and a son the same age as him as well. I never thought I would be this old with a child either still in the home. It is what it is and at the end of the day I wouldn't trade or want to be with out him.
So, bout to close my eyes for the night, very sleepy right now. Ill make it the end of this one. And If you are reading this you know who I am talking about, please no, I know you are very busy and I have consumed your time. Just know I got used to seeing you daily and miss you. Please don't go to long with out at least saying hi to me.
Good night and God bless.
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