Ok, so today I just listen to an audio book on complex dissociate disorder. It’s a fourteen-hour read; I have seven more to go. It’s so good. I have learned so much about some said disorders I am suffering. This one in particular, (you know the one I’ve been diagnosed with for years that no one’s addressed) I may not actually have the answers so much so, but I have a better understanding of it. Talks about the disorder, triggers, relaxation techniques, and how to try and communicate with the other selves. Don’t feel near as crazy as I felt before lol. No, made me feel like it wasn’t so uncommon and that I wasn’t necessarily alone dealing with it. Something else that really bothers me, that there are some that react with emotionally charged seizors as well, are they unable to seek help as well? Maybe at the time I was searching for a specific kind of treatment that Cummins was wanting me to seek out for treatment for, I can’t think of right now, DEMR treatment, I think. Which looking into it would not have been good for me considering the specific trauma I been through.
I have decided to bring this book up to my therapist on our next call and see if she has read it and if she hasn’t that we do it together and the homework. She may be able to help me help me better. I can’t wait till I’m done with it; I will be looking up more books to read about my disorders. I think with a better understanding of them and why and what, I may be able to at least put these others in my head at bay and move past some of this trauma. It’s a really fucked up feeling to be happy and still be in a depression. You most probably don’t think that to be a possible thing, do you?
I didn’t understand how I was feeling so happy and laughing with the memory man on the daily and yet still be so depressed at the same time. I found it is possible. That one doesn’t necessarily deal with one another. Depression is a disorder like any other, and to be happy is a feeling. You can feel depressed and yet not be in depression. I was thinking I was even more crazy to feel both at the same time. To my relief I am no crazier than I was before. It is terribly frustrating to have all this going on and feeling like my own therapist can’t help me. I do realize that we must do our own work in therapy, I get it. it's terrible to feel like that you are not getting out of it what you need though. I have a great clinician. But for a while I thought I was getting nowhere. I felt she set me up for failure when she told me that I could request my own records though. They were so vague that I really other than the diagnoses I really had no more information than I did before.
I'll tell you something that really cranked my clock and that was when I was trying to talk to the practitioner or whatever she is called. (The one who delegates your meds.) I was telling her all I was going through and that I needed it to stop, that I thought I needed to be reassessed and that I thought something has changed since my last trauma incidence. Maybe my meds needed changed. At least to reapproach it and see. And she came at me with how Kroger’s was so crowded and that there was barley anything on the shelves because the storm coming. I was just floored, and I had a witness to the conversation and how I was pleading with her to help me, I told her about the others and that I was having seizors and passing out. Especially when it involved my mother. And she said nothing about it other than you can’t prescribe anything for personality switch up. Man, I wanted to come though that phone and get her. I was sure to let her know that I don’t want to die, but indeed needed it to quit or help me get control of it. she asked me about how much I got on food stamps, and the stores stocks, and also how that wasn’t much to get for the month in food. I make it just fine and last I checked she wasn’t my accountant but one who delegates my meds.
If this wasn’t enough, come to find out after I called the Hamilton center and asked about her and how she comes up with her assessments, I found that most the time they don’t even have much interaction with your therapist at all. But she’s the one who diagnoses you and delegates your meds. Sorry I find that very disturbing to me. This woman who spends 15 minutes every two to three months oversees all this and doesn’t have a clue as to what my life is like? I wanted to speak to someone who was over her head and see if I could be assessed by someone else. I really don’t know that she knows what she is doing. Not the one before her that she replaced, she you could tell she was in communication with the clinician, and she kept good notes. She would ask questions regarding your last visit, and I never felt like this woman does. I think she just took over her notes and is trying to keep up. She’s an older lady and is not that comfortable to talk to anyway. She has this judgement about her expressions that bother me. She’s like there for a social call and to give you meds. I don’t know, I just know that I don’t feel good about it. So, now that no one has called me back I will go to the center in Terre Haute and talk to someone myself. I hate to be this way or get her in trouble, yet at the same time I also don’t want to go on feeling like she’s not adequate to be doing my meds when I don’t think I am the same as before. Something is different and she won’t listen to me.
It sucks to not have the answers or must make your own way out here in the mental of life. I guess though there aren’t any real concrete answers out there anyway for sure. They say you can’t be your own therapist; I don’t think I am doing so bad considering. Even if I am unable to help myself, I am sure learning a lot about the stuff in which I have been diagnosed with. Like the difference between bipolar 1 and 2. One has manic episodes, and one has hypomanic episodes. Well, I am supposed to be bipolar 2. I think that this is the issue maybe. When doing the research for the forum on here, I learned that I fit more in the 1 category than the 2. I have manic episodes that have left me unable to do everyday things in life that we are supposed to. Like hold a damn job. I can’t get a hold of things to where I am comfortable in even trying to get a job, especially with the different people I tending to in my head lol. In most cases 1 usually ends up in the hospital to be assessed and medicated and the other can just be medicated and episodes don’t last near as long. Well, this looks totally different to me now. People close to me have asked and straight told me to go admit myself into the clinic. I don’t have the option to do this with my son how he is. Without me he’s got the devils den and that is most definitely not an option. So, here I am trying the best I can to figure it out. It helps a whole lot to have the memory man to tell me what goes on when the switch happens and what he’s able to find out about them. At least I can start to learn as to why they manifested. I’ve been told though I have been doing this to some degree my whole life. I guess she’s always been toxic to me. Or I was just that unlucky in life to come upon such bad choices and circumstances.
I must sound terrible about her. Makes me feel guilty, I love my mom dearly. Like I said I don’t think she likes me too much. I feel so betrayed by her, even as a woman. Now the ex-got a hold of me (so happens to be the same day I went to file in court where he didn’t hold up his end) and let me know that the door is ready to pick up and started on about memory man how this and that he was. I thought how old are you, jealous much? He had nothing nice to say about him at all. He would like to just assume that I was stepping out with him while I was with him. No use in explaining shit to him. I know why and it was just the memory man that helped me see me again and that I shouldn’t be dealing with all the man was putting me through. He helped me have the courage to do what I needed to do about him. This also verified once again that the parental units have once again got to him and let him know what I was going to do. The ex-seemed mad at me like I have been painting him in a bad light, that he never laid a hand on me. I sent him a picture of my face and the date being of when we were together then, asked him what his explanation was for it. I would have told you he never laid a hand on me until that picture. And what if he caused me to switch up and I don’t remember because it was one of the others present for the actual event. He had no answers of course and went on saying he would never, had never, or never would put hands on me or any other woman. Well good, I am just saying. Keep telling yourself that buddy. Even if he had not, I would rather of delt with that shit, I know how to heal from that. The mental and emotional abuse we endured and the harsh punishments he put my son through was the worse that I ever encountered. He was a monster, and neither of us deserved to be treated like that. And put aside all that. He was taking advantage of me while I was in a medicated sleep and am wondering if I checked out them times too or was just that heavily put down. Doesn’t matter. What was going on was sick and needed to stop. I was losing us, and my son deserved no dad than the one I let be that. God, forgive me for my blindness. I pray its not too late, that my son will overcome this and be ok. He is so much happier than before. Not near as scared and or on edge. Don’t get me wrong…. My son loved the ex and still misses him. He doesn’t know any better than to. He’s the only man that was in his life with no one to compare to. He’s in a much happier place now.
By the way back to my mom and the betrayal as a mom and a woman. I am disappointed at the fact that she is just ok with all he has done. That she is ok with it or doesn’t believe me. I don’t know, but I do know that what he was doing was sick and I did try a long time ago to let her know and she just excused it like it was my duty or something to please him. Now still making excuses and try and talk me out of court. You know I thought it funny how they didn’t want to go to court with me this last time. It was him; they didn’t want to choose sides or look like to him that they might not be on his. They just proved to me that they chose him over me. Why do I still seem surprised?
So, the rant is over. I’m so tired of the shit, I just want to live a “normal life” like anyone else. Whatever “normal” is anyway. I just want too not be like I am right now. Well other than the happy I feel. And I am that. Through all the dark my light has warmed my heart. The memory man is my beacon of light showing the way. Love you memory man.
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