This is a difficult blog for me, and mom if you come across this and read…. Please forgive me. It’s difficult for me because, though I know my mom loves me, I don’t think she likes me very much. I don’t know how to relate to her or talk to her without it coming across as if I’m trying to argue with her. It seems when together longer than an hour, getting along with her is rough. There becomes a time where I just shut up or down like a scolded puppy and let it go. By doing this, it has caused me much turmoil in my emotions.
Today we did our Christmas together. We were under quarantine for the covid. (My son was negative by the way). So, with me was Rya. She is Ryanan’s daughter. No big deal, just my mom wouldn’t let Ryan come to thanksgiving, so I was surprised that there wasn’t a problem with her going. This year was difficult, I had nothing to give. I know that is not what it’s about, but it’s nice to give much more than to receive.
After presents were open, then was time spent with them. (Mom and pop) It had been a very long time since we spent time together, I’ll tell you why. She’s that mom I had when I was a teenager. It feels she sees and treats me that anyway as well.
Let me back up a bit and let you know; my mom was misdiagnosed years ago. By the time they got it right…. well, it was almost too late. She had a terrible heart problem that was at most, difficult to fix. She was unable to breath for a long time. She was going downhill; thought she would die. To make that long story short, while she was sick, I had the chance to be close to her. We were never close when I was growing up. I guess I was a difficult teen. She ended up having to have open heart surgery with a 5% survival rate of making it off the table. She came through like a champ thank God. I wasn’t ready to lose her yet. I felt I was just finally having the relationship that I always craved from her.
During the recovery time she developed diverticulitis and colitis. Was terrible for her. Lost a lot of blood and had transfusions often. She seemed to have lost her hair after all that. I bring this all up, and it’s sad to say, but her sick was the time I felt she was closest to me, I felt like she liked me. It was after recovery and feeling back to normal, she reverted to the mom I knew growing up. And now…. She’s diagnosed with bone marrow cancer. For me, I feel she has now an expiration date.
I’m so upset and scared for her, especially after all I went through with my best friend’s cancer and losing her. Mom being herself is hard for me because, well I told you I don’t feel she likes me. Maybe liking me when she was sick was easier. Maybe not liking me was more energy than she could spare. She’s doing chemo now. I knew it would be just a matter of time before it would catch up and make her sick. She seemed to be doing ok, but pop let me know she wasn’t doing well. I thought it appeared she was ok because it didn’t take long before things got difficult.
Like I said before, we always seem to be assuring the other that we’re not trying to argue. It feels and sounds more like being on the defensive side. Nothing I say is taking how I mean for it to sound. What she says feels toxic most the time. No, it is toxic. She is toxic for me, that pains me to say about my mom. It would hurt me to have her read this. A woman shouldn’t feel that way about her mom.
You ask why I feel she is toxic? She would spend the day talking about the ex. She does this every time I see her. It’s a trigger, I don’t want to know or hear about him. I’ve told her this many times. Today I was fixing her Facebook and yahoo account, the ex-messed it up and was unable to use that account. There were 4 accounts in their name, all with the same password. I’m deleting and was able to restore the original fb account. While I’m doing this, she is talking about how she thought maybe the ex-did it on purpose. Made sure to let me know how distraught he was and crying while “fixing” the computer. (Side note… I don’t care) So, then she asks me how I think about the “new “ex look. I don’t care, I told her he was fine to me before I knew the monster he was. Now it just makes me sick to see him. “He looks so much better now, how cleaned up he was. Um, thinking to myself why are we talking about him? She precedes to talk to me about, no she asked me if I see where he got a new truck, no I said. “It’s white” well good I say. That I’m so pleased with the money he saved living here while I pd the bills, he was able to save money to get a place and new truck. Then ask me “did you know that he got rid of the travers?” At this point, I’m ready to say I don’t give 0 fucks, but I keep it to myself.
Finally, I think to myself, we are going to now change the subject. Well…. We did, she then started on how she thought Beci was a bad influence on me. Assures me its ok because she loves her. I turned and looked at her in shock. Now why we got to go there? I am trying to understand her, I wanted to see and understand her view. How could she feel that way about one of the only people at that point in my life who stood beside me when I was broken. She says to me that she had always felt that way when I asked her why. Finally, I was getting upset and assuring her I wasn’t trying to fight, I just wanted to understand and see how she would think that. Told me that people say…. Now let me stop there cause inside myself I’m going off like the teenager she treats me to be. I’m ready to fight now, she’s talking about my best friend. I ask her who says what and that it was “the drugs”. She believes the ex and is assuming that I’m on drugs. It with her influence. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? People always have something to say to stir shit. Just because he can shed tears and appear to be hurt by me, that means it’s the truth? Umm, I have been crying for years to be heard aside from wanting to be believed. He just must cry. I have laid with mono and sent to school, asking her to take me to the hospital. I told her I thought I might die. Come to find out, I would have not made it to the end of the day. I was completely dehydrated.
I was at that point so sorry we didn’t leave earlier and then this would have never had happened. I couldn’t make her stop. Again, like a dog with its tale between the legs, just shut up and say ok mom. Then I let it go. I think Becki’s feelings would be hurt to know this is how she felt. With all that she had done for me and my son. I was insulted and hurt for her. I don’t know why I act surprise, she never liked anyone I cared about except of course the ex. For some reason he became like my brother that could do no wrong. So, I finish what I was doing and got out of there.
Of course, she couldn’t let things go there. I’ve been trying to talk, explain, confide in, and or have hear me and the state I’m in. I’m suffering mentally, trying to put my pieces back together again. Inform her of what I am going through and tells me that she doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t understand and can’t hear it right now. Ok, fine… well here’s the stuff going on with her grandson. She doesn’t understand that either, so therefore… “I can’t focus on that or understand what you are saying!” wow, I am totally blown out the water on this. So, well there just isn’t anything I want to say to her at that moment. Gather the kids and our presents, hugged them both and out the door we went.
I called my dad when I got to Ryan’s moms and just cried to him. He’s so good at listening to me. What scares me most of all, she’s going to die someday and never know the person I am. The woman I’ve become. Despite my mental state, I’m happy for the first time in my whole life I can remember. She won’t even give Ryan the time of day, nor am I to date him. Or I bet I left out that I’m not allowed to date period. I know what you are thinking. They own the house they have very generously have got for me. I know my decisions in life have been not so good, nor been beneficial. But knowing that, I have learned from my mistakes and each time, even during broken have become a better person. She doesn’t care. Kills me, she doesn’t care. She says the right words, they don’t look as though she feels what she’s saying. She’s defensive and irritated. It's like to hear me speaks pisses her off, it's like that with her on the phone as well. Now if we were to be messaging on messenger or text, I'd be precious angel baby. I love to hear and read it. Now? I just want to believe it.
One other thing she likes to bring up is my father. When I told her that I wanted to make the ex-accountable for what he’s done to my son and I, she is quick to remind me how well that went for me the last time we went to court. (it’s been blogged lol) for one, that was a hurtful jab, and two, she totally excuses what he has done it feels. I tell her that I am sick of all these things and people I’ve let wipe their feet on us. That I want him to pay. She has the nerve to say that I just have a vendetta and feel he’s got to be responsible. By this time, I’m wanting to slap her, then ask me what good would it do to take my father to court for his pension or whatever else she’s been wronged for. She is always bringing shit like that up as well. Do you think I want to sit around hearing them bash my dad for shit that was supposed to happen a lifetime ago? That’s my dad for God sakes. Even if it was all true, why do you think its ok to do that to a child or an adult? sure don’t want to hear that shit.
It was a terrible visit. It was just like it used to be before the ex. You know? Thinking back, I think that it was when I was with him did, they start to pay attention to me. Now she tells me that she doesn’t know how I’ll get by without him, how am I going to manage keeping up with everything. They may have to sell the house and me move back. Um, well, that isn’t happening for sure. I am going to see about getting on housing or maybe we are including Ryan and move to Missouri near my dad.
Now see, I don’t feel that was even nice. Whether I want to believe that or not. Like stated before, she has an expiration date. Whether she likes me or not, I still don’t want to be away from her in case I’m needed. I still would take care of her, she’s, my mom. I wouldn’t leave her alone now. Sounds pathetic. I want her love and approval so desperately ill take it in any form I can, I guess. Even if I cared for her until she moves on, she still would fight me to the end, I’m sure.
I’m glad the day is done. I am hoping with this blog I get this out of my mind. Just so you know, during the deration of this blog I have had a seizure. I’m not an epileptic, I do have a chemical imbalance. For each emotion we have, our brain releases a chemical for. Well sometimes when I get overwhelmed with one, mostly hurt and anger, my body reacts and has a fit. Well, these days since my mind fractured into others, I usually will have one when they are no longer present. Well, there is a good half of page that I don’t even recall putting down. I edited it and kept it in, but I wasn’t completely here when I wrote some of this. Just a tad bit of information.
Well, I’m going to finish proof reading and posting this. Time way past time, for bed. Shower and sleep. That is all I want now. Tomorrow is another day and maybe this feeling of I don’t even know what word to use. The feeling of not worthy of a mother’s love or love in general, goes away. It's now wonder that I don’t feel as though I don’t deserve to feel happy.
Who says I can’t be my own therapist?
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