I am having a rough time coming to grips with this thing about my mom, I may find I write about her more than I want to. Seems to be where I come up short, I mean, I have tried to reach out to her and talk about everything that is going on with me and my son. We both seem to be struggling with our mental since the ex’s departure. I just don’t think she wants to know. Wouldn’t she try and get more info on the things going on with your child and grandchild? I get she don’t want to read something and try and understand. I don’t want to; I do because I am interested in my son’s mental health and how to reach it. I want to learn how to treat his disorders. No one is trying to give me classes on it, but I guess information is free to some degree.
I guess I’m worked up about having to see her tomorrow. I have the rent money for them and wanted to get it to them. I called and asked how she wanted me to get it to her, the roads have been pretty shitty. She says that pop said that they would just come and get it. I’m thinking, what? They never come out and the other day before the snow, said that they were on the way over. I wasn’t home and asked her if they needed something, that I wasn’t home. She says, “We were just coming by to see if he left you any money for the rent.” Now they never were like that with us when the ex was here, but now it’s a big concern for them. They don’t like the memory man. I don’t understand why either. It’s like they took one look at him and right away seemed to be judgement. I couldn’t believe it… but they did. Sad thing too, he’s a wonderful man whose gone past the point of friend and gave his world up and signed up for my crazy to pay bills he doesn’t have to at where he lived. He owns his own home. They would rather think there is some ulterior motive. To assume something makes you look like a kind of ass you don’t want caught at. Sometimes on rare occasions there is that rare find of a person that is genuinely a good decent man who loves me with an unconditional like no one I have ever known other than a handful of people I know. I am fortunate to have the network of friends that I do. I have been blessed with the best and you all know who you are… (even my newest one) I love them so much.
I want my mom and pop to see me for me and the happy that I feel. I may be having issues with my mental health now but I’m happy. How many people do you know that can say that? He has truly been a part of my life I wouldn’t have made it if not for him. I’m just glad it happened to be my best friend, well one of them. I know I can get a little over the top when it comes to the subject of the memory man, I just can’t help it. There is a rare find there. God blessed me this year with people that where there the whole time and I didn’t even realize it till that man was gone. Not just him but the “sperm donor”. I’ve been so kept away from so many people. People like my mom has had me question my judgement about the people I have in my life. I get it, but is like this… I have moved passed it. I went to having just mom pop and the ex and my son. I was even made to feel guilty about my relations with my boys. I let it get that far. I have been living so in the dark and a memory man brought me light. God is good.
I think this one will be a short one. I just guess I don’t have a lot to say about it. Or maybe I have but too much to say and just feel like I go on and on about the same things. You want to keep things different and new for someone to read. I’m just not feeling it tonight. I am so nervous seeing her tomorrow. I think I will see if we could just meet them in the morning at the restaurant and give them the money then. We must go and get my son anyway. Makes more sense this way anyway. She would judge me for my house. Like I have said, its not that its dirty, but I won’t lie, I have what I call a couple of clutter fucks. She is so ocd about everything, nothing I would do would meet up to her standards. I remember once hearing my mom ask my mama, (I was ease dropping in the hall) why do you tell her them stories about me when they aren’t true. She said, “my mom’s name and followed with there is no one in this world as good as her and she wasn’t going to have me grow up in her shadow.” She loved me so much she would tell me stories about her that was probably made up or about her sister. She was prom queen for every year in her high school. Band majorette throughout high school, even twirled fire. Cheerleader all through it too. I just was so happy that she cared enough to see what was in store for me when I got older. I’m glad that I caught this conversation. I might have been a bigger mess. You know, she (my mom) ended up telling me some years later that that was what she was doing was lying about her. I never looked at it as a lie. She was just looking out.
My mom says she was a “little bitch” and nothing she done was good enough for her, and I found it so easily to have her pleased. I wish I would have had her as mom. Spent so much time with them. Papaw was right. I think things would have been a lot better then. Who’s to say it would be worse. I think that the reason I was so special was because I was just like her and the only granddaughter. They always made me feel so special, you know that kind of look you get knowing that is a look of love for someone. I never doubted how they felt. With mom I feel like she even judges me and my choices. I feel like she would rather I be with that man after all he’s done. Makes no sense. It’s the last thing I would want for my daughter. Her mother was the same with her. I will never forget my mom hanging up on her about one of the men she was seeing and wasn’t but a hot five to ten minutes and she stormed through the front door and mom came to meet her and she jumped up and smacked my mom a crossed her face. It was great. It sure was something to see. I felt good thinking even she could make mistakes with her mom. Not often but I know of at least once.
Like with the blog about grief. I still morn their death. They were the last of so much. After mama was gone the Christmas’s changed, the thanksgiving’s had changed, everything did. My mom just wasn’t her. Their get togethers were the greatest events. The whole family had their own instrument to play, and we would play music, and dance all day. Was such a happy memory that I have been able to keep though the years. She got to meet her great grandson. I had pictures; the ex-deleted all my special things.
I must take him back to court again. First, he was ordered to pay half of the cost of my appliances and give me my pictures, then replace the door and then return the sectional. I had to settle with that. Then I amended the order with things that I left out due to anguish of shit that was coming out of his mouth. I totally forgot everything I was supposed to bring up, I was prepared to tell my story. Was not the case, so when I was losing the battle, my best girlfriend spoke up about the appliances and was able to get it in. When we get to court the second time, he talked her into changing the original judgement and he was allowed to find same model and make of them and see if he could find it cheaper. I was blown away. He had two weeks to do so. He has yet to do so. I will take him back; he says that he rolled his new truck in a ditch and lost his job for no call no show. So, I am guessing that he will find a way to get away with not paying that. To be continued......
Well, wish me luck, I will write at you later, goodnight and God bless.
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