Something I will find difficult to speak about, I talked to my therapist, and she says I need to do this. My son doesn’t know who his real father is. I haven’t told him because his father is dangerous, into drugs, and is just downright a bad influence. To have his son curious about him right now isn’t anything I wanted to start till he was older. Now that the man he calls dad is gone, she says it’s good to tell him soon. I thought about it for a while. I guess it would be better to know I kept him out of my life and the reason why instead of him thinking a dad he loved just left him and got thrown out. I really wanted to keep the “ex” to be his dad and that just wasn’t an option, especially after all I have learned on top of what I already know.
Now, I am so unsure as to how or when. Or how I will handle if he wants to see him. I’m sure some if not most of you think it be terrible of me to keep his father a secret. Those who know me, and the situation will or would probably understand considering who his father is. I have already made the decision that he must wait till older to go off on his own with him. To be a child and thrown to the “devils’ den” just scares the hell out of me this young in his life. What would happen if he was to take off driving with him and gets pulled over, then what if he was dirty and had drugs. The whole thing scares me. Not to mention that I think the kids in that family started smoking pot at this age if not sooner.
The fact that he has all these afflictions with him, also scares me to the patience his father would have or what he would do if he lost his patience with him. Was bad enough the way the “ex’ took care of things. I always knew there was a problem with him very early on. He wasn’t a colicky baby, but he would scream with no tears for no reason, I don’t care how much you would sooth him. The fits would just get worse the older he would get. Even In daycare he was kicked out for beating the shit out of the kids and one of the workers with a bookbag. She had just had gallbladder surgery and got her right in the belly, he got kicked out of daycare. He has been kicked out of every school age there has been till now. It’s sad, but a clinic that is and supposed to be trained in the problems my son has also discharged him from their clinic. Such bull shit. They really weren’t anything but a glorified daycare anyway. I can’t believe I took him out of school for that place. When a Dr. says that he is required to have 35 hours of therapy a week that seems to me to be full time and that it must be done. He went to the center for 121 days and out of them days he was out for 37 of them days. I promise on all I love not one of those days did he stay home because of being sick. Maybe once he had a Dr. appointment.
I’ll be honest, I’m scared to death to do this for so many reasons. For the most part all equally the same as I sit here typing. I don’t know how he is going to take it when I tell him that the ex-isn’t his dad. He knows that my memory is bad because of what an ex had done to me years ago. I told him the truth as to what the man did. It made an impression on him that I am sure he’s not likely to forget.
You all may think it was wrong to tell him something with so much detail, I figure when the time came, and he wanted to know why I kept it from him. Well, I thought then I would let him know it was his father that did this to me. Then I figured he would understand why and that I was keeping him and I safe from him. Yeah, you wouldn’t be the first time I heard that wasn’t a good thing to do, but hey it is done. I’ll tell you I still think that is what I would do again to do all over again. I have spent his whole life scared of him and for him. The fear of having him think it was ok to treat women like he did was ok bothered me. Not like the ex was a good example because he watched him make me cry to many times. I shouldn’t have let that happen either. Learned the hard way he wasn’t any better. Well really, was the same seeing how I have this picture saying he at least put his hands on me once, though I don’t remember it, it's obvious that he did.
I just don’t know when to do it. Like, when is it ever time to say such and such isn’t your real dad, that such and such is? When is the right time or the right moment in general? If it been left up to me, I would never tell him. I hate that I must, he deserves so much better than the truth. Or the lie I have talked about the ex. He was just a baby of nine months when his father was put in prison, and it was then I got good therapy. Only then did I realize that I was sick. That when I got mentally healthier and realized that it was best then not to involve him with his father, I just thought there after that he should never know. It was an easy decision to do when I had my parents telling me how bad it would be to keep him involved with him and my own wellbeing. I would of rather die than ever have him see his mother beat down like his father had done to me. I honestly believed that if he had to grow up that way, he may turn out just like him.
He’s going to be naturally curious. I don’t even know what to say, how to handle it, or that I must explain why I won’t allow it. Even that I don’t know is the right thing to do. I'll be honest, for my son’s birthday I did call him and ask if he would help me get the things he wanted to have. I sure didn’t have it and so badly wanted to give back what the ex-took. It was obvious that right when he answered the phone, I knew I was making a big mistake. Shouldn’t have ever done that for many reasons. The first one is that right off the bat, it was, “I wouldn’t have ever done that to you”, “I want to see my son.” Then the fact that he was ready to meet me right then when he just got done saying that he’d been sick and had just taken care of his parents with having covid. He didn’t even care that he would be contagious, he was just ready to come now. I don’t know what he would have done to me if I had. I’m sure, it wasn’t to give me assistance. Not to mention that he has never just paid his child support, so why help now.
One of the worse reasons, I’m sure not to forgive myself for is, I called and asked him in front of the memory man. I never gave him a chance to help. I really didn’t expect him to or felt like asking him or assuming wasn’t right. That I believed that his dad should help with something seeing how he’s helped with nothing his whole life. And the memory man says to me, “I just don’t understand why you would do that.” He was bout in tears when he said, “you left me for him.” Broke my heart to hear and to know what I had just done.
Most definitely not one of my prouder moments. I had immediately called my best friend and caught her up to speed, also in front of him. I was balling and she said that she basically seen both sides and I clearly did it because of my son and I was desperate to get him things when I had nothing. She felt for memory man because she knows how much I had just hurt him. I don’t believe he will ever get over what I did. I know I said how sorry I was to please forgive me, I said I knew it wasn’t the first time, and then after he said, “I’m sure it won’t be the last.” Oh my god! I felt lower than dog shit steaming on the ground. I would hope to prove him wrong, to know that in his heart he feels like that makes mine just hurt. He’s shown me nothing but happiness and love, I can’t imagine ever causing him another moment of pain.
I am convinced now I’m a terrible person. I lie to my son about his real father, I tossed the only dad he knows in the world, and I hurt the man I love with my whole heart. Now hurting that man is what I feel is terrible. It’s terrible I felt I had to keep the id of the man who’s his father from him. That I let him believe that the ex was his dad. (Side note, though I let him believe this, he never called him dad. Always by his real name) I guess that really don’t matter. Lying is never a good thing to feel it’s needing justified. I guess not even if you think it’s for a good reason or making it a right decision. At those young of age, how do you explain who one’s father is if they don’t know any different. Am I to just show him pictures, mugshots, and newspaper clippings of who his dad is, or let him believe this man was seeing how he’s the only man he knew? What is the right answer, and before you do answer? Also tell me if or who is to define “normal”? Is there really any right answer other than its wrong to have to lie to our children? I get it. But how do make it ok to keep up a story of “Santa Clause”, “Easter Bunny”, and the “Tooth fairy”? Now they seem to be a much different thing, doesn’t it?
I don’t want to make like I believe there is no difference. There is, we do this for our kids. I never felt I was lied to about these things. We want to as children to hear these stories, it’s important to believe in magic when we are young. I loved to hear the story of Santa Clause, how it helps to put that lesson with the importance of giving, we are also taught that this was not the only thing you take away from it, but it’s a season for getting. The message has gotten out of hand. The easter bunny, now I was never taught the importance for that, but it was the resurrection of Christ. That this is what that day is celebrated for. Not sure why there was a fairy that gave money for teeth either. That made things difficult for us poor folk. Am I just looking to have justification to why I lied?
To me? It still feels like I’m justified. Maybe it is because I feel the reasons and my gut feelings outweighed the truth. Always my intentions were good and to protect myself as well as my son. I understand why some would feel I have done a bad by not telling the truth from the beginning as well as people believe it's wrong to have our children believe in such fairytales. Lol maybe I am a Gemini and can argue both sides of the coin and be passionate about both. We are always at conflict about things, and so indecisive. Who’s to say I wouldn’t be the one reading this and feel it was a bad thing to lie to him. I could very well be that one. Who am I to judge, but only have an opinion?
It’s no one’s right to judge how you do in life. You also have a right to opinions as well. I guess couth that one might have. “I’ll just keep that to myself and be supportive.” Yeah, I would hope you all understand the why, not that I care what others think of me, but as a mom I would be bothered to know that the opinion of doing the wrong thing for my child would be hard to hear. Oh, and maybe it would piss me off. Don’t really matter now I guess; it’s done and passed. It’s just how I handle it from here is the question?
It won’t be the how so much as the when. I won't lie to him if I’m going to tell the truth, it is however, never going to be known how he was conceived. I feel like there are just things that should never need to be brought to light. Maybe I'll one evening tell him we’ll have carpet talk. I'll just tell him then. If you are wondering what that is, it’s the one time and place where he can talk about anything he wants without being in trouble or judged by how he feels. Yeah, I think that is a good place to and when to do it of the day, just when like in the now. sooner the better, I would gather. I just got to make myself do it. I’m scared to all the reasons I wrote about. It makes me sick to my stomach for the same reasons. If I go down a path where a visit need to or want to have happen. How do I keep myself from risking myself? Or how do I keep him safe if in his care? Oh, I am so stressed over the whole thing, not so much it being the wrong or right thing. The fear is what I’m not ready for. The domino effect. Once it’s set in motion there will be no stopping from there.
I was really hoping writing about this would help me feel better or give me a solution to this, honestly might have made it worse. If it wasn’t just in my head, now it’s been wrote down read and edited and read again. Now I just feel sick. I recon you’re going to have that for the big jobs. I will pray that God gives me the wisdom, the words, and the right time to do what I need to. With this I pray, Amen.
Good night everyone, God bless you all.
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