I’m at a loss of words, (we know that isn’t true, I have always got something to say) yes, this is about my mother. She is so oblivious to what she is causing in my mental or the fact that she could be part of the problem. I made the error I guess by calling and asking for her to keep my son while I go to court here next month. And because of the call she starts to send messages about how distant I sound to her. I literally sent her like a four-page novel of shit that is now clear to me that she never read it. It just kills me that she acts like she hurts for me and want to desperately fix it when it feels like more of an embarrassment to her, omg what will people think about it, my daughter is mentally ill.
If I had to explain what this last interaction with her, it left my mind literally bruised. I think that best describes it. hell, it could just be broken. My heart hurts deep where my soul lies. I feel as though the only thing that is important to her is money. I can have a conversation with her about all this mental shit and at the end tell her about being denied for disability, she literally replies about the money and what am I going to do.
I am going to assume she loves me in her own way, not sure as to what way, but I don’t even think she realizes what she does to me. I am tired of trying to have her hear me and how I feel. Yeah, I’m distant because she is toxic to me. She just straight lied to me and make like she had no idea. Tell me they are in no contact with the ex and turn around thinking they are calling for him and reach me. Wasn’t even fifteen min later they called after telling them that the ex-flipped the truck and lost job. They were compelled to see if he’s ok. Well, fuck! He’s just fine enough to make up this big lie for whatever reason. Why the fuck they care how he is. Karma is a bitch and needs to bite him in the ass. I am glad he is ok that it was just a lie. I just want him to be accountable for what he done to us. And my family still talk to him as if he did nothing at all. Like its ok or something. Then wonder why I’m so distant. They had him over to fix their computer. Now he has the passwords to their social media and can log in as them and she don’t get it. Now he has access to my shit to view. I do not want to hear about him or his life, but I really don’t want him to have access to my page either. Bad enough the mother fucker can read things on here. Oh, fucking well, you read this ex, you are bitch made. There I said it and meant it.
This will probably be my shortest blog I have. I am having a hard time being present. It's things like this that make me fall out or have seizors. She will never get it, what she does to me. I can’t talk to her about anything, she literally will tell me she doesn’t understand and that she doesn’t want to hear it. To have a conversation with her, she is automatically on the defense and that leaves you feeling you have said something wrong when it’s the lack of compassion. Scares me to think some day she will leave this place and die, and she won’t even know the woman that I am. Want to talk about how proud she is. For what?!! I can’t imagine what she could be proud of, living through her shit? Makes me feel bad to even say these things. I’ll make excuses for her. I must believe there is a reason for why she has been like this since I was a child.
Well, I can barely keep my eyes open. Have a good day yaw all!
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