So, this will be a short blog tonight. I have three I haven’t posted, well for a couple of reasons. One, I’m not finish with them completely and two, well I am just not sure that I want to share one or two. And then there’s one that I was so looking forward to writing and happy, was made to feel such a way about it that I quit writing on it and not sure if I want to or will finish it.
This one I want to get out tonight, I think that its important. And I simply can’t forgive myself and must share what I have done. I am a horrible friend. Especially when it came to one of my dearest friends. You know really? I haven’t been good to a couple of them. I know they deserve a better friend then I have been for them both. Memory man thinks I’m being too hard on myself, I know better. I know me better. One of them, we just couldn’t get our schedules to meet to where we could visit other than on messenger. Well, her daddy passed about a week or two ago, and well, she is moving back to be with and help her mom now that her other half is no longer there. This makes her even farther away from me now. It was hard before to get together now it will be next to impossible. I took off to my dad's for his birthday and was hoping to stop and see her on the way before she left town. Ended up leaving early and not even in that direction. I should have called her. Not that I forgot so much, but these days I can’t remember from the beginning to the end of a day anymore. She’s gone now, with her mom and I feel horrible, and I suppose its really for selfish reasons, I want to see her, and I missed her. I miss her period. I’m sure she feels a certain way about it. I’m sorry sunshine, I hope you can forgive me.
Now my bestie? Omg I can’t even forgive myself. Her aunt that just had been so sick for so long, her mother’s sister, just passed on a few weeks ago. Hell, I’m ashamed to say I am not sure how long ago. She had promised her mom that she would care for her, and like she promised, did so to the very end, everyone puts on her shoulders that already carry so much. Including me. I have been selfish and haven’t been near the friend she deserves let alone has been. She with out skipping a beat put away her grief and or whatever is going on with her and been fully present when I needed someone… her.
She is one of the strongest women I know. She has only her sister left and the last I spoke to her about her sister, well she’s not good either. She fears and stands to lose her as well. Everything is being ripped from her to her core. I admire her strength, and the way she keeps on going even though I know she don’t want to be. I hope to be forgiven but honestly, I don’t deserve them for how I have been. They both deserves far better than I have been.
I truly don’t want to be the one to make excuses or to justify my absence with them. But I don’t keep time let alone keep me. I lose time and have no concept of it either. I have been trying so hard to keep it together for my son and a granddaughter in crisis, on top of the episodes I have been having that takes my time away from me along with my memories. Well lets just stop there, I now feel like I am having a pity party for myself and making excuses with justification. Bottom line, I expect more from myself as I am sure they did too. I hope you two forgive me. I love you both and miss you.
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