Saying goodbye to a dear friend

After talking to a best friend of mine tonight, I realized something. Well, two somethings…. I for one, am blessed with a handful of people. Not that I already knew this, but after deciding that I am losing a very dear friend, I am ok with that I suppose. Don’t get me wrong, I love her dearly. The friend she was, was amazing. I just thought about it tonight and realizing how fortunate that I have a handful without her, I don’t need to feel I’m lacking.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful to have had her a good deal of time she just one day made it very clear where I stood. When I needed it the most, she was cold and hurtful. I kept thinking that she would get a hold of me and maybe say she was sorry for how she treated me. She made me feel though that I was selfish about how anyone else has things going on. You know, I am aware of people having things going on in their lives and my shit isn’t any more important than theirs. She is right, and what she said was the truth. Like I have said in previous blogs, I would have followed by my bullshit, asked her what was going on in her world. That is what friends do. I thought so…

I came to her with stuff I had devastating me, trauma that I had endured, and she blew it aside like trash and turn up her nose at me. I have thought about it for a long time, and I have mentioned a couple of things on her posts and usually she would be good to at least let you know that she seen it somehow. Well, she didn’t on either occasion, I had felt like she was right that I may have been being selfish. I just blew up my pain at her without even seeing if she was doing ok. Memory man says that maybe she never was the friend I thought she was. Stop beating myself over something that happened and how I didn’t deserve how she reacted to me.

The friend I talked to tonight a while back suggested that we have a girl’s night, all of us meet here. I live in the middle. I guess they had talked about it. Nothing until then did I even know that there was going to be such plans. So, when I talked to “sunshine”, she let me know what the plan was. I had to shut it down, at least not for some time cause how I had felt. But I believe she may feel as I do see how she came to her for a place to stay for a moment. She had been sleeping in her car. She turned Sunshine away, how she was left feeling when she did so. She gets it, there is something different with her. I don’t know when it happened, but it did. She became distant from the both of us for some time. I find it sad. We were at one time very close. She moved to Indy, and she became very different. It's like we both became very different people. But with sunshine it was the same as always, I could go months without talking to her and it would always be the same. I know she loves me even when I don’t talk to her for a while. That is how it should be.

So, I will grieve for that for a while. It is like a death when you must put someone you love out of your life. (Like you mom) toxic is something I have had enough of. I deserved better than the treatment I got from her. There was no reason to be the way she way she was to me. She could have just said that she was sorry that it wasn’t a good time for her, I would have understood. Instead, she come at me with cold, mean things to say. Even if it was true, there was no reason to be hurtful. I don’t think we would ever be the same again after that.

It has made me realize that the network of friends that I do have are amazing and I’m so lucky to have them. The last four months have been rough. They have been my rocks. And I feel that I am lucky, I don’t think it is common to go through life with more than one good friend, I have a handful of people that I feel love from that don’t judge me and is there for me in time of need as I am for them. So, to you, the one who was so cruel, I say goodbye, you will be missed. She posts things on her page about being 100% and she isn’t like she sees herself. She is but she isn’t like that at all. she’s not at all who I believed her to be. Sad really, she always was sound in the things she had to say. Always made things that were confusing for me very clear. That is why I called her in the first place. I will get on with life. Just not with her in it. If you are reading this, sorry I can’t live with how you made me feel. You weren’t helpful but very hurtful at a time that was not good time for you, and you let me know how you feel and your true colors.

I want to thank sunshine for helping me understand that I didn’t deserve the way she came at me, and like she wasn’t there for her either. It was so unlike her to turn away someone she loved when she was needed. I wish I had been able to have had helped her. Makes me feel bad that I let the ex-control the people in my life. I got to a point where I felt he was right and alone I remained. We all deserve people in their life. You must have a good network of people in your life that help you and vise verses. So, surround yourself be those positive people in your life and rid yourself of the negative things and people that are toxic with no boundaries. I wish I had done it years ago.

I started this last night; I am really tired of talking about it. We are going to close the chapter on it and her. I don’t think she’ll mind a whole lot. she’s not gotten in touch with me at all. I tried to do a video chat with her and sunshine and today I haven’t even heard from her. So, I will suck it up and say goodbye. Love you.

Good night and God bless to all.