I am learning so much about the things going on with me, I just wish it would be more helpful in healing my mind. Maybe it is, they say knowledge is power. I feel I should be powerful by now. I have posted in the forum today about dissociative identity disorder. Since getting my records from the Hamilton center I have done nothing but researching and trying to understand. I decided to do the post on that because in my chart is just dissociative disorder. Well, pretty sure I would be more of dissociative identity disorder. When my mind fractured here a while back, I was so in the dark without memory man. He has helped me to know these others in my person. Really isn’t the easiest to talk or write about yourself. I know I sound completely insane. And I would say sounds because if I was crazy, I wouldn’t say it so. They say that they don’t know that they are crazy. That is a bad word I will rephrase that to mentally fragile. That is what it says on that paper I get every month.
I will recognize that I have a problem but find it hard to give into it. So, I will do all the research I can on the things I’m feeling and diagnosed with to get a handle on it, I hope. I have felt a certain way my whole life. I have known something was off with me at a young age. I never expected to be like this, but at least I can get day to day, maybe more like moment by moment. I never know what an hour later may look like. The diagnosis of the disorders is very similar to one another. You can dissociate without the identity disorder with it. I have maybe as far back as five years old I think I have been doing this. Just wasn’t aware of it.
I am grateful for the bit of education in this field to recognize the signs and the help with my therapist see there is an issue. With the splits now in and ongoing I have been remembering a lot of stuff I guess that was put far back in my head. First it did come at me in flashes of memories. But the more I give thought to the fractured memories, I am seeing things that happened that has made me what I am. When I was very young, maybe at five. Not sure of the age, but very young. I was being touched by my cousin for the first time. I told and never did it do me a bit of good. Instead of keeping me safe from it or even have them confronted about it, I was put back in the same environment again and again. I would like to give a reasonable reason to as why, but honestly don’t see a bit of it excusable. If I would gather to make a guess, that is probably when my first split happened. I remember very young playing with that friend, Kertinka Feoda. My family would have just assumed that it would be known to be my “pretend” friend. Growing up she was a version of me. The one who had a voice, rebelled, strong, and spoke her mind. This is not what I was like. So, when I was growing up, I would say it wasn’t me, it was her. I thought it was a joke until my brother told me differently.
I truly wish someone would of listen to me and taken me seriously enough to have helped. Yeah, I guess it sucks but I wouldn’t be who I am today if things have been different. And today? I am in a way most wouldn’t want to find themselves in, but I am and at least I am trying to be proactive with it rather than feel sorry for myself. Believe me, I would like to just keep crying about it till it got fixed but with putting yourself in therapy you will find it’s because you know you need it. Most I guess don’t because they don’t believe that there is a problem. I, all these years didn’t realize it till it happened at this age. Before I could blame drugs or anything else. It wasn’t, it was me and I am mentally on the slightly ill side. I am a firm believer that when you don’t give it, you’re all at 100%, then therapy won't work for you. If you can’t go and be honest and face your demons, they will never go away.
I get up every morning and must get memory man up, ready, and out the door. I can’t hardly stay awake, and sometimes I fall out and it's impossible to wake me up. And sometimes I switch up and then I’m out. The other day memory man had to drive my van to Agnes’s house and boss followed. I guess both had to walk me in the house. I slept most of the day. I missed a call from someone special that I haven’t talked to in years. She didn’t call me back. I feel so bad I missed the call. I go to Agnes’s every morning, mostly because I barely make it to her house without falling to sleep. I wouldn’t make it home. Really for the most part I probably shouldn’t be driving. I say that but I have never had a fit while driving.
It’s nice to go to her house in the mornings. It's so nice to have someone in your life you can visit with on the daily. I really wish my bestie too. I miss Becki. Agnes is so good. Like I said I really love her. She can be me sometimes when I’m not present or have passed out and need to get things done, like getting my son enrolled into school. I really don’t know what I would have done without her. She is part of my brain. She is literally a novel of information. Between the both of us we are a powerhouse.
My son gets to start k12 next Thursday, finally will get to go back to learning. That stupid aba clinic here was a joke. Waisted his whole year of school. At least now he will get an education. You know I realize in this post I’m all over the place. That is just how I am, I guess. I am totally random in my head is also all animation in thought.
We are having an ice storm and bout to go to get meds. Don’t want to get completely stuck with out us both no meds. That would be a mess. I’m going to end here, hell I don’t even know at this point what I started to blog about anyway.
Be safe out there, God bless and have a great day!
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