Punishment for a good deed?

The memory man always says to me that no good deed goes unpunished. I always disagreed with him because I am a firm believer that if you put good out there it will return. Now I have really given it some thought and after what happen the other day, maybe I understand more. Maybe a coincidence or maybe he is right that somehow, we have to take on some kind of punishment for doing good and helping someone. Could it be a way to balance out somehow?

So, I helped that man and bonded him out. Put up a thousand dollars to do this. Helped him get shit together along with a job. Granted may not be what he wanted but it put money in his pocket. Did mention I also got him a bit of clothes to wear as well seeing how he had nothing but the clothes he wore into jail? Paid for his smokes, fed him, washed his clothes. I just really asked him one thing not to do and that was to not bring people into or at my house. I never have company; memory man never has company. I told him long before he came, I hoped that he didn't make habit that he let people come to the house. He never has. He's actually finding that its nice not to have the traffic and it is much more peaceful this way. But this man did break the one rule I asked and did it in such a disgusting display of disrespect that I made him leave.

Now I have been struggling against my feelings on doing this because of a promise I made to him, that I was and would be in his corner. I broke that promise to him by throwing him out. I have to look at it like he broke his to me. Actions get reactions, and then there is consequences to your actions. I know he knew better than this and waited till we were sleeping to do as he pleased and had someone in my home and got personal in my van with them. Trying to justify his actions was ridiculous to the point it made no sense at all to me. He is a grown ass man capable of finding a way to visit and not have it be in my house. I never told him who he could or couldn't see while living there. Just that he does not do it there. I even offered to bring him to town daily to make arrangements to visit with his girlfriend. He was impatient as shit and made a bad decision and had her and current boyfriend over. All they had to do is make the plans and I would have worked it out somehow. He says I am trying to keep him from seeing her that everyone does. Now that is crazy when I just told him that night, I would do this. Yet, still made a choice to have them in my house and even fed her. I was completely livid.

Well, I got to thinking of what the memory man had said and thought OK, this is how I am to be punished by putting him out and not getting money back from him for his bond. Wasn't said case at all. It got much worse. Just the other night I got some mail for him, he had been expecting a snap card in the mail. Well, something came with a card in it so I called to let him know we was going to his moms', and I would bring it with me. Fast forward a bit, it took forever for him to come get it. For days he's been wanting to talk to memory man and was getting frustrated that he wouldn't talk to him. Memory man was salty about the lack of respect from someone who was supposed to be his best friend. I was wrong, when he did finally show up, he was aggressive and accusing him of shit that just didn't matter, like it somehow was to justify what he had done to us. He came to have a fight. It didn't happen, but it was obvious that his mind was altered and not in the right mind.

OK, for the reason for this particular blog. In the beginning I stated that the memory man says, “no good deed goes unpunished”, well, I believe I got my punishment the other day. I had kept missing a FedEx package for my medications and was going to miss it again. I was already four days late with the one medication. So, I made arrangements to have them delivered to a dollar store or something like that. I didn't know for sure where in Cloverdale it was. I thought it was on a side street on the right after 70. So, I came up to the light where Stardust Drive is and I see the green light look to my right to see if I see a sign for the store, looked back and it was red and a man on a motorcycle was right in front of me. I didn't even have time to stop. I hit this man head on. We made eye contact, flew over my hood and I think hit my windshield, then flew in the air and landed on the pavement. His helmet flew as well to the other side of the road. Air bags went off, my son is screaming, and I am freaking out completely. I get out to check on him and call 911. I approach him and tell him “I'm so sorry sir”, the man couldn't breathe, and he whispered, “why didn't you stop?” I was mortified and had to walk away. The blood, the guilt was more than I could take. I think I may have killed this man.

The police came so quickly, I guess I had one behind me. They weren't the most pleasant with me, I guess I get it. I just hit a man on a bike. I didn't have my insurance card on me, that pissed the officer off. I called my agent to get policy number and information, and he got mad I was on the phone while again stated I should have had that card in the vehicle. I get the information to give, and he just seems really disgusted with me. Then another officer mentions there are no skid marks on the road and asked me if I was drinking. I took a sobriety test and passed it, wasn't the problem. I stated exactly what had happen and where I was going and as to why. I get it, it was an accident, I didn't mean to do it. It just happened so fast I couldn't stop or had time to react. If you know me, you already know that there isn't anyone going to make me feel any worse or punish me any more than I do myself.

Later on, I am on the phone with the hospital trying to check on him. He didn't go to Putnam hospital, so it was bad enough to have to go to Indy I am to assume. Of course, I am thinking the worst, not to mention when I close my eyes it replays in my head. No one will give me any information on the man. I didn't even know his name, or whether he was alive or dead. I spent the night with all this spinning in my head. Get up the next day waiting for a response from the tow yard about how much it will cost to take care of the cost of what I did. Heard nothing, heard nothing on the news, knew nothing other than the images in my head. So, I called the tow yard around three the next day and spoke to the woman I talked to the night before and fuck, the recovery cost is over 300 dollars before the cost of the tow and storage. Man, I can't take it, I have lost my van and thought I'd killed a man. I started to cry, and she asked me if I was OK, I said I would be better if I knew the man I hit was alive. She says, honey his wife called about the bike and he was going into surgery for his leg that he was alive. Omg, to have that in itself made me feel so much better. I was so scared and wanted it to had been me. I didn't want to live knowing I was responsible for taking another life, accident or not, I just don't think I could of lived with myself.

I don't think I want to drive no more. I am scared now, I understand why everyone was worried about me driving and having an episode while behind the wheel. I wasn't worried at all, but now.... I almost killed a man on a bike completely clear headed and present. Just a little lost. Yeah? Folks I think I am hanging it up, I cant get the image out of my head. The man's eyes and body are burnt into my brain.

There you have it, is it coincidence or punishment for a good deed? Got me fucked up for sure.