Parental units; part two.

Well, today could have turned out better. It ended up really fucked up. I went and ended up meeting the parental units at the Walmart here in town. I gave them the rent, gave them hugs and told her and him I loved them very much. Mom acts like she’s ready to cry. I asked her what was wrong if something in her health had changed. She said she was just emotional. I don’t believe that for a minute but at the same time I couldn’t have come up with more of any other reason. Was getting ready to go and get back into my van and she said it. I can’t tell you what she even said, but it was about the ex. I had messaged him the other day because I was giving him a chance to do as he was told to do from court. He came back with he had turned his truck and lost his job. Well, when he was working and got that new truck, he could of pd the shit he was supposed to and fix the door he put a hole through. What? Now he’s not going to take care of it? I will go file again and drag him to court, and what I fear? That judge will do like she did last time and give him exactly what he wants. And then he gets away with it all.

Well, my whole thing with that business with the ex’s bullshit, I went ahead and told them about the said accident, they assured me before I left them that they don’t talk to the ex. They made a point to tell me that they don’t talk to him. Was relieved a bit thinking maybe she gets it now. No, and I'll tell you how I know. I went to a friend’s house to catch up really quick before we went home. Getting ready to leave and the phone that the ex-used was like my Obama phone and has a million minutes on. I replaced it and kept the number. Now I called mom here a while back and let her know that the phone number was me and I had the two numbers. To change it in her phones. Well like I said, before I left there the phone rang. The voice says my ex’s name and when I said no it wasn’t him and they asked who it was. I say, Kristie and the voice on the other end was my pop. He follows up by saying that he thought it was his number. That they were trying to call him to see if he was ok. Now, ask him if he’s, ok? Also said at the Walmart that nothing had been said on Facebook. They felt compelled enough to check and see if he was ok and because I said something. I am now completely fucked up about it.

I am at a state of shock for a bit on the way home, I got home and guess I had a fit or something and switched up to this old southern lady personality I’m dealing with. I tried to get after my friend’s son for something or another. Uncool completely, I can’t believe I did such a thing. Then when I became myself again, he was still acting out. Apparently, I wasn’t quite present yet. I went to him with a spoon and told him to stop what he was doing and talked to him a way I don’t know if I'd been ok with if the shoe was on the other foot. My friend is so great. No harm was done, and his behavior got better a little bit. For a while anyway. She says its ok, that he deserved it. I can’t forgive myself, or at least get it out of my head the way I acted.

I am completely surprised that my mom hasn’t sent a message to come up with a real reason as to why they thought they needed to check on him. I pray to God that he gives him all he deserves in this life. And I had faith that what comes around goes around tenfold. I am sorry if he really had an accident and lost his job. I don’t pray ill will but dig this. I have given this man three cars, just gave them to him. We paid the bills with the money I made that the money we made was ours… now that he’s gone that money isn’t ours no more. He was able to save ten grand when I pushed him out the door. He’s got a place, new truck, and a job that pays the bills and insurance. I could go on, but it just makes me mad. I don’t understand to be the way he is and be blessed with things and my mom on top. I just don’t understand.

I still can’t get the words out of my head my friend said about losing her tomorrow, would I be ok with today. I wouldn’t be. I don’t know how to be. She has been this way my whole life. I chalk it up as being a bad kid or teenager. Well, we know after talking to my brother that the one personality has always been there, that maybe I have always been sick a bit. And collage, maybe I wasn’t meant to graduate. (They wouldn’t have put math in the way if so) I would not know that I had the problem and or how to try and find a way to help myself. Maybe mom has or is suffering the same affliction and doesn’t even know it. I grasp at everything to try and make excuses for her. I have written her a novel of shit that was bothering me and make her understand how I felt, what was going on with us and our mental health. She came back with something I can’t even remember other than how it made me feel. I know that woman didn’t read a thing I wrote because I remember what she said was not appropriate for what I had sent. And if she did read it, I’m sure she would have been having inappropriate shit to say and end up the victim because I am feeling as I do. How once again she has done something wrong, again and I am hurt. Then I feel guilty and end up saying I am sorry. It's just sick…

There is so much stuff I remember that has been bad that it's hard to remember any good. I feel bad to say that. My memory is so bad that I have trouble remembering so much, and at the same time, with all that has happened with the recent trauma I remember all the bad stuff. I know there was so many good things, I have all the pictures moms kept through the years. I see me a happy girl. Was I though? Like I said I am remembering trauma, now where I remembered nothing. So, happy back then is just hard for me to see. I try and keep in mind that someday my mom may stumble across this page and read all of this. And then again maybe that be a good thing. Not like she would read my letter to her that was pouring my heart out in, so if she took the time to read all these and be offended by it, should I feel a way about it? I’ll tell you that I would be bothered that she took the time to read these and get pissed when she couldn’t feel something that I wrote her. The reason she would care is to who has read them and the damage control she could do. I am such an embarrassment to her anyway. Hurts my heart.

You know something? I really hope to get from these blogs other than helping someone or letting someone know that they’re not alone out there? I really could use some help. Like you have read in any of them, I’m in need of services for my son as well as myself. Him with autism getting help with trauma is hard cause I have found that most don’t practice both. I have come up short with that as well. Sometimes as a mother you really do feel that you are a failure. I am sure I’m not the only one out there who’s struggling as I am. I do these things for selfish reasons amongst the hope to inform or help in anyway it may. I really was hoping to find someone who come across these and think, I can help her. Lol, I know that is selfish to think, but really am frustrated at all I am trying to do, like these rants I have on here. I really thought it would help me to air my shit and share. I don’t think it is, other than keeping notes to look back on later for the book I would like to someday write. I do assume that I will get past this thing, and there will be light on the other side. I would like to really write a book and really share what all I have been through; I do believe I have a story to tell. Just don’t think it will help like I thought these would. Yeah, it has abled me to relieve a lot of it and look at it and close the laptop like a book I read, and the story be done there. I’m 49 years old, will be 50 in June. Do I literally have to wait till I’m dead for the story to end? I mean, I want the madness to end before my end. Everyone wants to have a happy ending and I know maybe I’m asking too much here. Maybe there isn’t such a thing.

Honestly, I think too much. I am happy and with a wonderful man and great kids. That should be my happy ending. It should be enough. Not that it isn’t…. I would just like to have my mom to share it with and her to enjoy my happy as well and see it. She once told me she would like to see me a bride before her time here is done. At this late in the game, I never thought that would happen. But I am here to say that I have said yes. Someday I will and will be happy. I hate for her to miss it. I want her to be happy for me and let me know when she says she’s proud that she knows what she’s proud of. This man has asked me for years to marry him. I told him I would never say no to him. I meant it. Never have I told him no. Out of the blue one day I just said maybe. And thought he would come out of his seat. I have since then said I would. As soon as we see what the near future is I will be happy to do so. I guess if this happens, and she misses it because she wants to feel the way she does then it will be her loss. I have done all I know to do.

You know, I put up with the last five years of the abuse just to please them. Five years of my son’s life and my sanity to please them because I know they loved him. Who does that? I have put up with all I can on the subject looking for her approval. I’m just tired of the whole game. Am I to just live my life for her and to make her happy with what she wants? She would rather I’d be in that relationship thinking I’m being taken care of by someone slowly killing me than to be happy I’m being taken care of a man who makes me happy and more than capable as well as happy to do so. I could go on all night with these things, but I think my point is out there. If you caught it let me know, I’m still not exactly sure as to what the point is. I am as most on a journey of discovery. Everyone’s looks different than the other. We must help one another get though life. We weren’t meant to do it all alone out here. So, take one day at a time. One random act of kindness can go miles in someone’s life. Like sharing that smile, someone may have needed to have that and then share it with another person. Like dominos, paying it forward was such a good thing to have come. I know even when I shouldn’t help who I can, I will if within my power. Even when I have no power to share. For one I need to have it in return, and someone was there for me in my time of need. With, don’t take for granted the day and do your part in a random act of kindness. Not just to help someone but the feeling of sharing the act with someone. You never know the miles walked in another’s shoes. All you can do is hear their story. Sometimes that is all that is needed. I know to be heard is most of it, it’s not those answers that need to be required. I know most of the time I just need to know that I’m understood. Someone who is empathetic to what you are going through.

Well, that is bout all I got. Like I said I could go on and bitch forever. It is getting late and ready to wash the day away and get to bed.

Good night to you all, God bless.