You know, since the ex has been gone, it’s been so much different. Having the opportunity to have a healthier relationship with my best friend has been great. It's nice to have that someone who knows you as well if not better than you know yourself. Not only that they know how to treat you, what you expect, what you love, what you hate, and what makes your heart smile. I have never known this before. I feel as though I got ripped off in a way. I don’t know why this couldn’t have happened many years ago. I guess what they say is true, everything has its time, place, and reason.
I will never take for granted the feeling it is to have the freedom to just say for instance that, I decide to drop the memory man off and go to Agnes’s house and spend the day with her. We get so much done in a day and never do a thing all at the same time. I can do that without the feeling of anxiety of the feeling I need to get home or feel I will be in trouble if I don’t get there. The feeling that comes with it the feeling of having to explain your day. Not that one may not be asking if not to catch you in a lie or somewhere you weren’t supposed to be. I can’t remember when it felt like that feeling would ever go away or to assume that I have ever felt anything close to the way I feel do now.
This memory man, his amazing to me. He takes care of me, and I see and feel how he feels when I enter a room. To feel unconditional love with no judgement. He treats me like how you would hope a man feels about your daughter. No one would not be good enough for any of my girls (if I had daughters by me). My mom should be proud to know how happy I am. And she’s to lose if she doesn’t have a relationship with us. I am proud, I’m happy, and full of joy. You’d never know all the shit in my head right now, I still find happy. You know, it's not something to think about but to feel. Love is to feel without thought. Lol I hope all that made since. I hope so, I find putting words to how I feel is beyond my vocabulary because I haven’t patterned the word or phrase that would describe how he makes me feel. Makes my memories come back alive.
I had been dead for I think maybe my whole life. I remember a time when I was very young and ticklish. Never understanding how someone couldn’t be ticklish. I made it to a point in my life where I didn’t feel anymore. I didn’t have much trust in anyone but maybe some friends, no men. That memory man says to me that he would make me feel again. Or just the simple thing, “you will feel”. I won’t lie lol didn’t know what he meant at the time or even a bit intimidating in a curious way. Well, until the ex was gone, I truly didn’t care at that time. He was right when he said I was stronger than I was feeling and deserved better than I settled with. He is right and always had been because that is what he did, made me feel again. Hadn’t felt that young since I was that young. We laugh so hard and never run out of shit to say. And come to find out, (when you give up hope) that you were going to always be stuck from the decisions I have made in my life. Its ok if it doesn’t make since to anyone or feel any kind of way about it but to be happy for us. We did it, and even if I die, before I wake, and the dear lord takes me from this world. I have found my yang and I’m his Ying. Who can be honest and say that? If I had to live it tomorrow alone, I would grieve it. I don’t see how I lived without him. Or see my future without. He’s my left to my right, and he makes me feel, and believe that I am beautiful on the daily. Never met anyone like this momma’s boy.
Don’t take mommas boys always to be a bad thing because of mother. When you are with that one, because of his mom he knows how to treat a woman like they deserve to be treated. Well maybe I just bring that out in him. I hear he had that rep to keep up. Unlike any one other never gets the side I see. And because of his mom, he is the man he should be. I am proud of the man he is and makes me feel complete.
And my friends I have now, especially the three I have on here. They have been my rock when I was just broke. When it comes down to losing it and see you have no one. They have let me know I’m not alone. Alone is bad for me. I get stuck in my head. It is dangerous to me. Sometimes I get to thinking of unhealthy thoughts that me think of some of those thoughts that become intrusive. Like when I drop off the memory man. Sometimes I check out and want to fall asleep. Sometimes I will have to call someone to help me be present and help me get to where I need to go. This is usually Agnes.
When the ex was there, I didn’t have the opportunity to have a friendship with her. He deemed it inappropriate to be friends with her because she is literally young enough to be a kid of mine. She is so educated, and she listens. She has been a very important person in my life right now. She takes my boy when I’m at my wits end and is always there at a moment's notice. I love all my friends; I wish there was a day when they all can be at the same place at the same time. I would love more than almost anything to have them all be friends so I can see them all the same time. I thank you all for your patience with me and staying and hanging in there when I was ready to give up. I’m going to end this with a video of Agnes and I just so you can see an example of amazing. Memory man now is unavailable.
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