Three boys I have, all so completely different in ways and looks. Well, for one they all have different dads. I’m not proud of that, but unlike most that find themselves in the same boat usually are close in age. Then I may be judging trying to justify myself. There is six years between my first two, and thirteen between the youngest and the middle one. Not the proudest of choices I have made as far as fathers go, but if I had made different ones, they would not be who they are right? Another way to justify my decisions lol.
My first born I was alone; his dad went to prison when I was in my first trimester. I had to get out of his moms and survive on my own. That woman was a mean ole bird, I never felt comfortable to even eat there after he was gone. To let you all, know his dad is also the man we call the “ex”. He came back into my life I swear to get even for leaving him while he was away. It’s the only thing I come up with that makes sense for me as to why he was so terrible. He never had a relationship with my first born. While he was away, he would write these scary things so, no I didn’t go out of my way to make things easy for sure. Not to mention there was this time he brought him home and something was obviously wrong with him. Long story short, the physiatrist says that he’d been molested, and I am pretty sure it was the ex’s brother who is a deviant and predator anyway.
The first son when he was born was so beautiful. He was dark with coal black hair everywhere. He looked like a werewolf. The hair on the tips of his ears even curled up. You could part the hair on his forehead. For the longest time I thought that he had a hearing problem, nothing startled him, and he never cried. Matter of fact he also slept the whole night as well. I was only nineteen years old, twenty when I gave birth. I guess you could say with him it was like we grew up together. With, a lot of the time my choices weren’t all the greatest. But I always worked and provided the best I could and never had I once ever compromise myself in anyway. I am proud of that, I started my own business and made it that way. Cleaning houses and was really doing good. By the time I was twenty-eight I already had four lots and two trailers with a renter. A pond with hill side of wildflowers.
I also worked my ass off for everything. I was doing a house or two a day, plus working as the assistant manager for the Movie Gallery at night. My middle sons father sat on his ass the whole thirteen years we were together. He took care of my oldest while I worked which was a bad thing, I guess cause after my middle was born, his dad turned on the oldest and was horrible to him. As an adult of twenty-nine now I learn of the terrible things he had done.
My middle son was so bald with a round head. Well not to start, he was adorable baby, but for a newborn that child was no not cute. Poor thing had a crooked cone head, and his color was bad, and he just wasn’t what I expected. Really, I was expecting a girl. I had my first c-section and middle was natural and my third was c-section that I was to be awake for. So, when the middle was born, I didn’t have a boys named picked. I thought he was going to be a girl. Sadie von… instead I named him after the two boys in the scary shows I was totally into. Turned out to be good. Made for a sweet nickname for him.
Then there was my youngest, he was very difficult, even from the womb. I was sick the day I swear of conception to the day on the delivery table. He was not a love child; he was conceived in an act of violence. He will never know that but at age forty I was not considering children. Funny how the biggest blessings come from such a dark place. Thank God he came out looking like I did. We had the same face. It would have been very hard to have him look like his father for me. I would have gotten through it I suppose. He was so cute, looked like a peanut. Ended up calling him a tetradactyl because of his scream. Like I said in the other blog about autism, I knew something was wrong, maybe more like different.
I tell each one of them they are my favorite. And don’t get me wrong I mean it when I’m saying it. Lol they are so different that each one of them are a favorite for much different reason from one another. My oldest well, he just left home before he should and found trouble rather than stay in school. He was so smart, but he worked so hard to be stupid he got stuck is what I always say. He isn’t stupid by no means, we are alike in so many ways, he gets on my nerves because we are so much alike. He is my favorite; he is my man child. I am right now trying to convince him to come home to stay and again help start him over. This time maybe it will stick. He has got so many priorities to consider, I find I just want to do it for him. I’m so scared he’s going to not put my granddaughters needs as priority right now. she’s in crisis and needs to be helped. He looks so much like his father; he hates his father. He was so upset that we got together. I really thought he would like it to cause every kid wants their parents together, don’t they? Not him, I think he knew right off he was going to hurt me. He really did grow up with me. So, it’s no wonder we are so much alike.
Now my middle son, he’s, my favorite. He is the poet, the writer. I thought it was going to be iffy there for a bit. His dad would use him like ransom. I didn’t realize then the rights I had. I let him totally take advantage of my ignorance. I should have taken his ass to court as soon as I left him. He wasn’t letting me leave with him. My son calls me one night very late. He tells me he thought he heard a gunshot that he was alone and scared. I ask him where his dad was, and he tells me that he works at night and leaves him home alone. I went ape shit. I went right then to get him, of course I went to the police station first. We went to get him, and it was him that the table turned on. He couldn’t have been but maybe eight. Some years later I found myself in trouble because of my youngest son’s father. He took full advantage of that as well. The day before I was to go to court (charges on me was dropped by the way) he takes me to get full custody. Because of my pending trail they gave that Beetlejuice my son. It took me some years it took to convince my son to come live with me. Was a good thing to, his father never gave a shit about his education to make him do anything, so he was like a junior still taking some eighth-grade shit. So, I finally get him out here where I am and put him in school here. They were great, small school and was able to get him caught up to the class he should be graduating with. It was near impossible to get him graduated, I would leave work just to get him to school because he wouldn’t even get up. I must say though, he may have graduated last in his class, but he did it. Made me so proud. I was so scared he would end up like his dad, maybe not on the drugs, but like his dead-beat ass.
He is like me in a way of his writing, I am a poet whose lost her words. So, I just write now. He does both with great ease. He wrote a book big enough to be a novel when he was just a kid. We never took it to an editor or had anything done with the two he wrote. I just think it says something that he had enough in him that young to write so much and it was good too. Now he works full time, has a new family that he provides for. He’s out there doing it. He broke the cycle off from his dad. Maybe he got some of that from me too. Very proud of him.
Now my youngest is my favorite for the obvious reason for most, that is that he’s the baby and the last to leave the nest. Well, if he ever does. He wants too forever be with me. Lol what kid don’t feel that way at some point in their lives. With all that he is afflicted with, I wonder what his future holds for him. He’s very smart and very well could do school and make the grades I’m positive on that, it’s just his behaviors that is a problem. I can’t have him going to high school with the fits he has. He must learn at a center to overcome these obstacles that stand in his way. This new center should be able to allow him to do both. I think that I will this summer see if I can’t find an online school he can start in the summer. I hope so because he has lost the whole year of the fourth grade. I should have never put him in that clinic here. He might have been fine at this school. He was ok for the first two weeks or three that he was there. They tried to tell me at the center that he mastered over four hundred skills while there for seventy-seven days that he was present. I truly find that to be hard to believe. They never showed me anything that shows these accomplishments. Now that I think of it, Monday I will ask that they email me the progress of four hundred some tasks. He does say thank you and please very well.
He wants to do things like go to the navy (and never leave at the same time) and be a police officer. I so don’t want to disappoint him or have him disappointed if he can’t do these things because of the spectrum. I don’t want him to have limits to what he can achieve. I want to see him graduate, go to college, make a career for himself. Man, I watch him build the most amazing things with Legos. He made a fishing pole that had a Lego hook and even a reel he made so it would reel up the hemp string he asked for. I think he would make great engineer or an architect.
He holds so many questions for me, I’m 49 years old with a ten-year-old. Wow, I’m just saying. I don’t know why it happened, but God has his plan. He is so hard to bring up. With everything we find that is wrong with him is more research and learning by trial and error. I get that as parents that is what we do, but this has been rough. With my own mental health as it is, I have had to learn how to even talk to him and understand him and how he works. At least now I have answers to many questions I’ve had as he had been getting older. So many makes sense now, his behavior especially that. And this new diagnosis is new to the scene. So little information is available other than explaining a reason for his rage and behavior. Sad thing is that some of the DMDD is based on environmental. This just pisses me off even more at the ex. What he has done to us is… well there will be a special seat for him when his time comes. He will have to answer to his maker. I have too just be ok with that. All I can do is pray for the ex that he gets all in life he deserves and live long and well let's just leave it at that before I say something that is nasty and will have to ask for forgiveness for.
Well, I don’t know why I decided to write about them tonight other than my oldest is going through it right now and I can’t fix it. I will be happy to say that he just called me and asked when I could come get him Monday if I could. “Just as soon as memory man gets of work!” I am so glad he will be here. I know he hates that he must come home. Well, he doesn’t have to but glad he listens to me and decided to. I know I can help him help himself. This time maybe now he will get it together for himself and those kids rather than have the influence of a woman. I love his girlfriend well ex. She’s a doll, and I know my son isn’t the easiest to manage. But he needs to learn how to do this for himself with his children to inspire him. Well, I’m now excited for him. I hate that it didn’t work out for them. I really had no idea that they have been on the outs for about a year now. they were just here a week or two ago and seemed no different than any other time. I even have video of them loving on one another.
Well, it's about that time to get ready to end my night. Boy my mom is going to be mad that Blake is back once again and would probably charge more rent. But what she doesn’t get is that she did it for me when I was down and out, and I so appreciate all they have done for me. They did it because they love me and their grandson. How is this any different. Also, I would like to say to the ex, I know you stalk my page. Not that I care about what you think. I will always be there for my kids and go to hell for not letting me help my middle son. Granted he did it, but he had to live like a dog while trying to get to where he is now. yaw all wants to know what is truly sad on his part. Though I’m glad that there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for his other kids, cause if they came to me, I would be the same, I love them. He would do what he could, but when it comes to our son…. Well, you’re a piece of shit for doing him like you have all these years. I don’t blame him for how he feels about you. I used to tell him that he needs to show you respect that you’re his dad. But I won’t do that to him anymore. Thing is, he was right all this time. I should have listened to him when we were getting back together. I thought I knew better. You were the worst mistake I have ever made. I might have gone through hell and the devil himself, but I have this unique and wonderful child from a total hell. I got with you and what do I have to show for it but the leftovers from the damage that you have caused.
So sorry folks I went on a rant there, I felt it needed to be said. I will now say goodnight to all of you with many blessings to come your way. And boy’s mommy loves you with all my heart and soul. You give me the strength to get up of a day. You all have given me purpose in life and gave me beautiful grandbabies.
Bye for tonight, sleep well!
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