Manic Depression What Today looks like

I really just wanted to cry; I did cry to be honest. I really hate being alone. My mom told me that I've always been like that. Well to be really honest I have been alone my whole life... Just the worse kind of alone is the space in my head for bad shit to rent space in. The worse kind of lonely is being with someone and feel more alone than ever. I am very fortunate that I don't have to live like that anymore, but I still have that space where I find I'm very alone.

Most the people in my life say I'm crazy... I'm sure that they use that term just to describe my random actions because I don't give much thought to these, and very impulsive. Most say I really don't have much couth I would say in a matter of speaking. I am good to usually speak out loud what I am thinking without giving any thought of the reaction I get. Well, I kind of enjoy the reaction. Hence, I guess that is the crazy part. Truth? Crazy is impoliticly incorrect. Its mentally ill.

I joke these days about what is going on, but to be really honest it's not funny at all. Sometimes it's easier to make fun and see it as someone else's story. But the truth is and is hard to say out loud let alone write this. I am mentally ill. I mean really most my adulthood I've suffered; it's just gotten worse with all I've put myself through, the choices I've made and the company I have kept. I'd say I'm really bad about when someone tells me or says I can't do something, well chances are ill do it because I feel I'm going to miss something and I just for some reason have to learn my lessons the hard way. Most teens are like that, and I guess that has been the problem... Mentally I'm stuck at I'd say 16. I'll tell you why I think that age, I've learned some things in collage, my major was in human services. And when we experience trauma, we tend to emotionally get stunted at that age. Summer Of 16 years old, wasn't that the year things happen, like permits, new cars, maybe a little dating? Before those summers end, I had my innocence taken away, my purity, my soul.

Seems a little dramatic, but when you are violently assaulted at that age it was exactly that, well for any age would be dramatic as well. After that I was reckless and didn't care. Seen many therapists throughout the years, all tried to help in their way I suppose. I left my body the night it happened, and I believed all these years I had gotten over it. But I was suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). All I've done then after was one mistake after another.

Growing up I guess I learned to live with it until I found myself with a man who was as evil as any devil I could think up. That man beat me and loved to control me by choking me near death, the whites of my eyes blood red. Ended up 40 years old and pregnant by this man who took advantage of me. Funny how a blessing is given to you, goes to show God gave me something worth the hell I went through.

Wow, I really didn’t start this to talk about all of this. Maybe I’m ready to share my stories on here. Maybe in some way it will help mend my mental state. I really wanted to talk about what it looked like to have a manic day of depression. Lol, didn’t mean for all this to come up. Must have been why I was so upset this morning; really was upset about the last relationship I was in, was right after my son’s father. And he really wasn’t much better. On top of the abuse I endured with him, he done something that was unspeakable, honestly not ready to go there yet. What I will share is he took all the furniture washer, dryer, and stove. When we went to court, he had to at least bring back the furniture and to pay half of the cost to replace the other stuff. My son was hurt probably the most. He took a game system away that he believed was his, the man took it away cause of behavior issues and never gave the opportunity to earn it back. Instead, when he was made to finally leave our lives, he took it as well as games Santa gave him that was unopened, played it in front of him, and never let play. Was disgustingly wrong. What was truly devastating was that he took with him on his computer a folder of mine that had pictures of things that can’t be replaced. Some of them are of people that have died and my son’s whole last 8 years of his life. I must depend on the pictures he has posted of him on Facebook. This has devastated me to my core. Some will say

'Hey, they’re just pictures", Well to me they are so much more. Because of being choked so much to the degree it was, it caused injury to part of my brain where memories are stored. I can’t remember a lot of my past and forget what I’ve done in a day. Just fragments of past events. I take a lot of pictures even selfies to remember how I was feeling and my history, my son, my best friends voice, it is all gone. He informed the judge that they can’t be given back, those pictures had been deleted from the computer. A big part, a chunk of my life just gone.

This is the upset I started today thinking about. I really am devastated by losing those memories. Sure, I can make new ones. It's just not the point, the fact that I have lost so much of my past, he had control of it as well and like punishing me, he stole them and erased part of my life. So yes, I was having a pity party for myself. It ends up manic because I do take it to the extreme.

I have traveled a road that is beyond less traveled, and I don’t know why I do. But you figure if not for the things we endure in life, we wouldn’t be who we are today. I am learning all over again who I once was with the help of a good and dear friend. Love this man, he has given me so much of memories that I would have never found on my own. I was triggered to see him one day, when I saw him, my brain lit up like a sparkler. He let me discover and let memories just come to me rather than just telling me.

He’s off work now, funny how I feel better already, told you I hate to be alone, or with him gone. He has taken up the space in my brain that allows me to wonder into dark spaces in there. He has helped my heart mend. Funny he told me when I saw him the first day that he would make me feel again. I'll be damned if he didn’t. The body does keep a score, I was once very ticklish for example and had numbed to the feeling. He has given me back some of that. He has made me see and feel things differently all together. Hence on of my earlier posts about falling in love with your best friend.

It felt very good to get some of this out, I will do it more often. So be expecting more if you are interested, I sure hope in doing this, it helps someone know that they are not alone, that it helps. I have a story to share, and I believe it will be here that I do it with. Have a good night.