Hard to hear, you just have to listen

I've been told not to go into human services with the intent in trying to fix yourself. When I had started my education with this in mind and thought I was in a good place to where I didn't need fixed. Believed that I had a story and experience in the same kind of trauma to be able to let the client know that or feel as though you are relating to where they are coming from. This is how I felt at the time though. I'm feeling that maybe unconsciously did this to help myself in some way, especially now at my present state. I mean I am fortunate in having what education I do have, it let me help others where I couldn't apply it to my situation but knew enough that it was something that they should try, whatever it was.

I was also told to have yourself as your own therapist has got a fool for a therapist. What else do I do but to do what I am doing? I mean the goal in therapy is that you are to do all the work right? This is ridiculous. I research everything I'm dealing with, thinking that if I am well informed about things, I would be able to find a way to manage or fix my issues. It has had its usages, I mean the information I obtain, at least I have been able to use it to help another in need.

This past weekend I had my granddaughter and her mom asked if she could come as well to stay. I was hesitant at first because my ex-daughter in law and I have through the years not seen eye to eye. That really is an understatement on both sides. Another reason is that the fact she is mom and raising my granddaughters, they have to have her the best mom she can be. It turned out to be not such a bad plan. It gave us an opportunity to really talk about the past and what is going on with my baby girl. She is in such a state right now. I feel we need to be all on the same page and reach her before she is unreachable. She had also let me have a sit in with the girl's life skills specialist. She also is letting me a part of her iep and teachers if I want. Which is great to be able to be involved and a part of her healing and getting to the source of the issue.

I share this because my son isn't an active participant in this whole thing. We have talked in the past and he told me that she would not let him be involved in any of it. That he didn't know who her therapist was or even where she went for treatment. Same with the skills specialist, I'm pretty sure he wasn't involved in school either. I find this to be unsettling and one of the reasons right there that would cause me to dislike her. Also, he told me that day about her spanking her on her bare butt in front of everyone. That wasn't true either. It was him, in a room with his girlfriend, mom, dad and daughter. He pulled the pants down and spanked her with his hand I hope at least. Oh yeah, he also smacked her hands with the plastic spoon. Notice that I say, “he did”? This hear came out of my baby's mouth. This being right before I called her in from outside when her mom had told me the same thing. Now what do you do at that point as his mother? Or how am I to call her a liar? So, I listen to all she had to say about their past as well as her own.

It disappoints me to think that my son treated her like he did. A lot of it sounded like some of the stuff his dad was capable of. To hear her speak about him sounded as though he was narcissistic, and she was constantly under a gaslight situation. I am not going to get into all this because that isn't where I'm going with the blog and can be for another when I talk to my son first.

So, she talked about her past with me and made me realize a lot of things, explained a lot of her behavior. Don t get me wrong; both their behavior was bad; they were both bad for one another. This girl had been through a lot of the same things I have had to deal with and then some. Shes really good at letting me know when she talks to me, she manages to say that what she has been through is not close to what I have been through. It's different for everyone, she's been through just the same things, not the same story. She, before she was born, her father killed her brothers and himself and says her mom blamed her. She is an addict and ended up giving her to her mother to raise. Probably the best she could have done for her. She says how she would come at her talking about how bad of a mom she was to her, blah blah blah. I tried to show her that she was trying to get empathy from her and tell her that she wasn't that bad and she's OK that she is forgiven. Never said that she wasn't responsible for their deaths. I told her that it wasn't that she thought it was her fault but maybe more of a reminder of what happened, her trauma because she was pregnant with her at the time. Then you got if she looked anything like him, that too would be a reminder of him. It wasn't her fault, hell she wasn't even born yet. Told her that is why she did drugs for was to numb the pain. She does them because she wants to. I won't swear to it but back in the day I believe that she had her believing that she had cancer and that is why she looked like she did. Needless to say, she hasn't had the best of influences in her life but her grandmother.

She shares a lot of the same disorders as well, so to help educate is a great feeling, especially if you feel like they are walking away with tools that they can work with, or at least help them have some understanding. I let her borrow a book I think I have talked about before. “The Body Keeps the Score”

it is a great book and its very informative about all that we share in our affections.

A lot went on this weekend, but it's a whole another blog. It will be about a false prophet, one rule and the total disappointment, and disrespect for friendship and one's good nature. She just happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Or vice versa maybe. I hope this does you well ex-daughter in law. Best wishes and many prayers on your journey into wellness.

God Bless!