Friendships

I have to say that sometimes it’s hard to entertain a mind like mine. The powers out, and I get to take a shower in the dark. Grateful I was at least left a good flashlight. I guess I’m glad he left me at least that, it’s something.

So, I get out and everyone is sleeping by now and I’m wide awake… great, usually I would make some jewelry, can’t really do that now can I? I can’t even see what color beads to use. Can’t clean anything, or do laundry, (oh that cleaning thing?) that isn’t happening. Something bout manic depression, you either want to get everything real clean, or lose interest all together. Well, I’m sure not signed up for cleaning. You’d never believe I used to clean offices and homes for a living. Not that I live in a funky house, I just don’t clean like I used to…. AT ALL! I can look around and see everything that could use my attention, I just don’t have the energy or drive to do so. So…. What does one do to pass the time while you listen to everyone snore? One blogs lol.

Really glad I started this, I didn’t know how I felt to air my dirty laundry out to public, but it’s been a bit exhilarating to do so. You know? It doesn’t even matter whether anyone reads this stuff or not, it’s been nice to get out what I have been silent for, for sothe long. I was never allowed to talk about how something made me feel, and when I did, he didn’t care, and it didn’t matter. My hope with these blogs is that someday this reaches someone that is where I am, and know they aren’t alone; I wish I had come a crossed something like this long before now. Anyway, I feel when I get my whole story out, maybe it will eventually be the Memoirs of a Krispy Kritter.

You want to know why I’m the Krispy Kritter? My best friend, RIP, always said; “Kristie you can never be burnt, your just Krispy around the edges.” She was a big influence on my life. She was everything you can imagine put in one person, I learned so much from her. I wish she had been here to give me that jagged bit of shit that lit my ass on fire. I went to her for everything, seemed like she could read you like a book and have exactly what you needed to hear at that moment. She could be rough at times, but sometimes you need that shit. She was good at knowing when it was a good time to be comforted instead of being hard.

Another one of my friends, she lost a son some years ago. She will always be in sadness because he wasn’t just her son, he was her best friend. He was a good boy. Loved him, but through all she was going through was there for me when I needed it. She put aside what grief she was feeling and helped me have a voice when I lost mine. Will be forever grateful for her. She’s a rock even if she feels she has nothing. She is a best friend to have. Cause in return for her I'll be the shoulder she needs, and we will cry together.

A friend wel (will call her the cold one), have in common, we will call her Sunshine. She’s not cold, she will give it back at you like a scenario; gives you a chance to hear what she heard and let you kind of answer your own blues. Still walk away from her knowing that even if you don’t like what she had to say, it was given in the best of intentions. I would like to think so anyway. Honestly you end up laughing cause in return shell come off what is going at her and laughing together instead of crying and feeling sorry for ourselves.

A LOT OF PEOPLE, they just don’t understand, sometimes you just need someone to not have an opinion, just hear them. It hurts to be devastated and someone you love treats it like no big deal and remind you that other people have problems. I had better things to worry. This is what was done to me. Honestly devastated me more. They ere very cold, I think it was best that I lost signal when I did. I was completely hurt.

I totally agree with her, everyone has their situations going on. One as important as the other to whom going through something. Hopefully they have one of those friends that will cry with you than remind you that what you are going through is no big deal. Like get over it, you have more important things to worry about (meaning my mental and my son). Yea, I know I have things a little fucked up, my mental is fuck up and I know how to take care of my son beyond everything else. The fact I guess that she is normally not like this, which surprised me and took me back a little bit on top of the devastating blow. I would have better taken her just letting me know she loved me and sorry she couldn’t talk. Leave the cold for the outdoors. Friend’s open arms for warmth from the outside. Maybe I’m just a selfish person. Really wouldn’t be the first time I heard that. Honestly when it comes to certain things I am. I do expect what I reflect as much of the time as I can. When I’m there for you and love you that is unconditional with love and warmth. Besides cold makes some people feel a certain way, and I wouldn’t make someone feel as they didn’t matter, and I surely would not be so cold. Terri could get away with being cold, she was a bitch but that was her way, and she wore it well because I never left from her feeling that I wasn’t loved or what I was going through was not important. She just had a way about her that was just course not cold. Her intent was always felt, she means well.

We all have our moments where a friend needs compassion and support. If she’s reading this, I would hope she read this as my way of saying, the way I was feeling for me was so bad, I needed her to just hear me, I would have calmed down, in return I would be there to listen to her “shit”. Needless to say, that was not the case here. Instead, it was very cold and when they thought I just may have hung up, follows with a text just as cold if not worse and something I will remember and probably never forget, in text was this (I’m not here to caudal you all the time) I was like wtf… I let her hurt me, maybe she was having a bad day, and maybe she was at the time in the middle of something heavier than my problem. Yes, in time this too shall pass. Totally get that, but the difference to her way of dealing with a friend in need of empathy or “codling”, is this, I would never do that to her, and for someone I love? I have dropped what I was doing, hell I put aside my life for my friend who needed me. If it be the shirt or to comfort them in the last day of their lives. It doesn’t matter. I have been that way and defend them even if they are wrong. That’s called support. That is what we do for one another.

Ok, so this blog didn’t go the way I planned at all, I really didn’t know what I was going to write. But it is apparent that this was eating at me. I know so because I can’t call her back let alone talk about it. Was told that if I had hung up on her I don’t need to leave my bullshit at her door.

The last thing I would want her to feel hurt and I hope when and if she does read this, it is unconditional, I love you. It stung to feel cold from you. I’m sorry I called you and never thought I would ever say that to you. I am very sorry……