Its Saturday 22nd day of January of 2022, and we just had my son’s birthday today. His sitter is amazing, found a great deal for us with the game system. So, we were able to get the system three games and she got him one as well. Minecraft, just what he wanted. I was so excited to see him open these things up. I guess really, I was more excited than he was. He had been so upset that his “dad” took his game system and games, I was thinking he would be more than happy to have them and much more. Truth is I think maybe it made him sad a little bit. I asked him if it made it ok now that he has his own that it didn’t matter anymore that the other one was gone. He looked sad still. So, I think maybe though he’s got what he wants and its brand new and so much more than what he had, had taken…. The fact that his “dad” took the one they had together made him sad. That can’t be replaced, I guess.
I was so concerned that it was material thing that was what bothered him, and the fact that he took it. But it may have been something that they were going to play together and that is what was taken. This makes my heart hurt for him even more. That man has hurt him on a level I didn’t even consider. It was more symbolic than materialistic. When he took that stuff, he also took away time that was eventually supposed to be spent with him. I think about him playing that game as he watched. I think still was cruel, but I think maybe he didn’t care about that as much as he was able to spend time with him not angry at him. Makes me want to cry, he has been so emotionally damaged and mentally confused. Makes me so mad, I wish there was something I could do to make it have gone away or not have let it happen at all. Ultimately, I am the one to blame. I brought him to our lives. I thought I was doing a good thing and especially when I struggled with the feeling and thought that I was making the only dad he knew out the door. I wish I would have done something a long time ago.
Looking back thinking about how acted when he was around and how he would be so scared to have you tell on him to “the ex”. He genuinely was afraid of the man. I understand now why. I believe that God will eventually show him in a fashion of the damage he has done with a little help of karma… I want him to be accountable for something for God sakes. I feel he’s taken so much away from us. He got my mom and pop believing I have a problem with drugs, that I’m sick and need help. And lol, honestly the man was strung out when he came to me with no pot to piss in. skinny as a rail claiming he’s not on drugs. Don’t get me wrong we did our fair share of shit when we were together, but if not for me and my help he would be where?
I am not all that, he would probably been better off, I know we sure would of. I was in school, on the dean’s list and my son in daycare. I just might have finished without the distraction. Who knows, I might have gotten math. I was even cleaning houses still. I think back and reflect there was so many things that set off red flags that I just saw past them thinking that I had another chance with that man I shared my first born with. So stupid was I. The “ex” would go everywhere I went when he came to me. I thought he just wanted to spend every moment like I did together. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I would go to class, and he would wait for me in the car until I got done. Same thing with my houses that I cleaned. Later I realized it was for other reasons he was there. So naive I was, I have always been the gullible one. Really come to find later that he didn’t trust at all cause after he started a job…. The way he thought was on another level. He would have himself believe maybe there was some kid there at class I might find time to catch a quicky with between classes or something. Or doing the elderly while cleaning their home. His mind was sick.
Well, I had yet posted this and it’s the end of the next day, I just have something about the birthday thing I find odd. I was going through video and pictures of the whole event and not one smile did my son have. When opening that system up looked like he just opened a pair of socks. It was just a weird thing. Of course, this morning he let me know he loved what he got; told me he was sorry that he was feeling sad. So, I think I was on to something about how I thought he felt about the game. He was missing “him” I think. The system reminded him; I think. It’s the only thing I could figure out. It was the first-time friends were over to share his birthday, before it was with mama and papa. And he got everything he wanted and more. No excitement at all from him that day. May also be the change in meds the did as well. I don’t know but it’s something I will be paying attention to, awful close to looking like depression.
Well, that will be all for this chapter. I have two other things I want to write about and can’t until I finish this, got to get the thought out before I can write about another. So much on my mind and going on. Too much for one blog for sure.
Good night, God bless all of you!
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