Crazy, what mine looks like

It’s a shame having to go through hell before you see heaven. You know, like they say, “It’s always darkest before the dawn”. Some, which I really mean me, must take that road. Not the one less traveled, but the path you must beat down. Also known as the beaten path lol. It’s been this way my whole life. I don’t understand why I have always made it hard for myself or why I made the decisions I have in life, but it is what it is. I will be the first to tell you with all I have been through, I couldn’t change any of it. Sound crazy? Yea, I know I am but bear with me for a moment. You can’t live your life with regret or hate in your heart. I have learned the hard way and by many mistakes I have learned from. You must love you before you expect anyone else to love you. You think no problem, easy? Look in the mirror at your image and pick you and your life choices apart and tell me YOUR honest. I am in a better place in a mentally unstable self and can tell you, I am happy, and I love being me with all that came with it.

That is a hard pill to swallow because that is what you expect everyone to say about themselves. You know that most of our population I bet is honestly not happy with themselves let alone comfortable in their skin. If you say you are, you’re one of the few chosen ones to be happy and love yourselves, I give you props, it’s not an easy task to accomplish in life. And want to add, send me a private message, and tell me how you did it so I can complete my journey of self-love lol, just saying.

By this time, you are wondering wtf am I getting at, my point, or just get on with it. Well, this is my process. Its random shit that comes to my head and I write it as I go. Lol, I’ll get there. I have been through novels of novels of shit in my life, most feel the same as I do about their lives. Everyone’s journey is different, and we have different ways of coping and dealing with things, not including just everyday life is just hard. I have come to see or experience that I haven’t liked myself or comfortable in my skin most my life. I am just becoming aware of things that happen to me as a young child. It wasn’t until I lost my mind and had a breakdown did, I come up with memories of stuff that just wasn’t there before. For example, the spiting of personalities and switching up to different people. Well, I thought this was a new thing happening. After talking to my brother last night what he said open my eyes with clarity that I’ve never known. I have been mentally unstable most of my life. If you are laughing cause, you know me and thinking “bitch always been crazy” I’m not trying too actually be funny. I take this to humor because it’s how I cope. For an example to that, being a Gemini as the symbol of twins we are to be known as two faced or dual personalities. Well, this is the case with Kertinka Feoda. This is the name to what I always said was my alter ego. Come to find out I was wrong about that, she may just have been, well was a personality all along.

I was blown away when I was trying to explain to my brother what had been going on with me, I mentioned Kertinka Feoda, how we used to joke about her. She was just a pretend friend. It was very quiet on the other end of the phone… He said very seriously, “She isn’t funny, she is real, and I hate the bitch!” floored me and took me back for a minute. Me and my friends aways said when I did something bad or out of the normal for me, we would blame it on her. I just didn’t do it, must have been Kertinka. He says to me that she was never something made up for fun that she was real. Then he let me know how cruel I was to him and the things I had done. I was in shock! I mean really, I know I was not the easiest to live with back then, but I wasn’t well and was assaulted at 16. Not to make excuses, but the things I remember. I always blamed I wasn’t healthy then. I have no memory of a lot of stuff he was telling me. She had been real, a real part of our lives. She lived in my head, created from trauma I endured years before, that I just put out of my head. I have been switching up for years and just now feel like maybe, she wasn’t the only one that was created. Maybe there was more. Maybe it wasn’t until last night I woke up with clarity and this is me. Have I lost you yet? I know, confusing right?

If you are reading the things that I have wrote, or blogged about thus far, then you know I am battling with my mental health, that because of my history of seizors, no one will help me or willing to because they are emotionally charged. Or for the plain fact they don’t except my insurance. So, with that said, I have been trying to be my own therapist and trying to figure out me and what and whys of my condition. I really think I’m not doing too bad a job considering the fact. Honestly, if not for what little education I have had in this field, I would not have probably seen the flags or that there was a problem to begin with. Well, and the help of some good friends.

What I was trying to say, or myself consider, that at this point I don’t really know who I am. I’m more confused than ever now. Lord, I didn’t think that could be possible. I mean, yes, my name is Kristie, and can tell you about my mom and dad and history to a degree. But when I think about it, there is a lot to my story untold, why? Because I don’t know it. Yes, because of being choaked so much and lack of oxygen to my brain has affected my memory, but even with, there is a lot untold and after speaking with my brother, a lot unknown. Especially from me. At least there is clarity about Kertinka Feoda, and what she really was. Now I remember that when I was very young, I came up with that name or that personality was made. I was being touched by an older cousin of mine. When I told, I wasn’t being listened to and was being put in the situation over and over. So, I think she came about to deal with that. She was created from a child’s anger. This is what I’m thinking anyway. This person created wasn’t very nice version of me. She took risks, was very boisterous and not willing to abide by rules. Not to mention I don’t think she liked her parents very well. I hope you are following me; it’s confusing I know, but hey, I am already confused and figure I must bring you with me into my madness.

We obviously know I have no degree of any kind, but I have done my homework and since my breakdown I have come to remember all the things, well what I believe to be, that had happened to me growing up. And when I got off the phone with my brother I got to talking to the master of memories. I had to have had an epiphany. Or I’m just crazier than I thought and way more confused than I want to admit. As of the present day, well near present, there have been two personalities come alive with this breakdown. I’ve been told that one is an old lady from the south that goes by the name of Iesha, and I little girl who goes by the name of Lizzy I think was the name I was told. I have lost time and it's because one of them have taken over for a spell, and usually follow by a seizor. We all don’t communicate with one another. I have been told some things I have a really hard time believing. I must consider the source and the master of memories I trust with all things. Not to mention the man hasn’t left me and kept me and my son safe from them (me).

Now, with no help to help myself. I have been obsessing over answers to these riddles in my head of what has become. So, I have been picking apart these people we’ll say, because I just feel weird saying personalities. With the help of the memory man, I have been able to try and understand why they came about, their purpose, and how to rid of them. (Side note, I have been informed by my clinician that they won’t go away, that I will eventually put them to bay. Asleep kind of I guess.) Not been easy road to do, but I’m at least coming to an understanding within myself to find some peace, not to mention, they haven’t happened as frequently either. Now that I have said that, after talking with my brother and memory man, I thought, maybe they aren’t new, maybe they have been with me the whole time and just wasn’t a reason for them to have to come into light…. maybe, I’m driving myself mad. But listen, I am already classified crazy, may as well try, and make sense of the madness even if you all don’t follow. I mean really, is this anything different then me talking and answering myself? I can’t answer that, I may be way off base with it. But what I’m coming up with is making sense to me and I can get a grip better on it even if I am off. Like I said, no one is willing to help me, so this is what happens when crazy tries to fix their own crazy.

I told memory man that what if there was more inside that we don’t know about? That all these years I’ve been switching up with all these people and it is now, right then did I wake up to clarity to see my crazy, that it's not my fault my mom doesn’t like me. Maybe this is me. The crazy that has come to a sanity stand on their mental illness. Like when they tell a cancer patient to draw a picture of what it looks like to them. Face it and throw it away. Maybe that is what my brother helped me to do. There is so much he said to me that is just not there in my memory. Maybe because it wasn’t me doing it. NO EXCUSE TO WHAT I HAVE DONE TO HIM. But it helps to make sense to there being no memory to it or maybe to most of my memory loss in general. Maybe it wasn’t a blocking out something but someone else taking over. I'll tell you; it feels like a possession more than anything. And how infuriating to have no control over what you do or be responsible for things you swear you didn’t do.

I got to thinking about my mom a lot there after we talked, and memory man says maybe my mom has the same problem and we or her just didn’t know or see. She will block anything out she don’t want to see or deal with. Thought it was a selective thing, but maybe I got it honestly. I was just fortunate enough to know I was in trouble. So much she doesn’t remember about us growing up. Well, my growing up, my brother was always the favorite one, I was daddy’s girl. Things she doesn’t recall or recall accurately…… um I know, for example, she will tell you that when she spanked us (side note, me I don’t think my brother had ever been whooped) that she would only smack three times. Now this is not the case to be true. Not calling my mom a liar, but it's not the way it was. My mom would stop counting at three but kept on smacking till she was finished. Most of the time it was no more than six that I can think of. But then again, can’t trust what I don’t remember we know this now. The worse whooping, I got I believe I was in the first grade, and it was the day our report cards come home. I had made an f on mine, and I tried to change it to a b. let me just add that I didn’t even use the same color ink to change it with. I was in the tub sticking my big toe in the faucet and got it stuck at the time she was getting my report card out to see. When out of nowhere she came barreling in with the wooden spoon and flipped me over, ripping my skin off my toe, and beat my wet ass with that spoon. I couldn’t even take the towel to my butt to dry it off. It was so bad I couldn’t sit down. I mean literally couldn’t sit on my butt. I looked in the mirror and there was like blood whelps of the shape of the spoon. Six of them. That is one memory that I will never forget. Apparently, I was present for that one lol.

Well, I guess that is as good as an end to this blog as any. I truly could go on and on with my theory of my people in my head. I always said in my head was the characters to Seinfeld series. Well, all but Newman. I don’t relate to that icky man at all. Didn’t they have a series called Herman’s head? What had it looked like in the mind of that guy? Hell, I could have just made that up. Oh, and I just had this feeling of being judged and it almost mattered. If you read this, even the ex, and want to judge me? I would think hard about yourself and where you are mentally. If I was able to manage to lose my mind anyone can. I have been told I am stronger than most. Only recently can I say I look back and see just how strong willed and minded I really was. I am proof that anyone has a breaking point. The secret is not to get stuck there.

Good night, and God bless to all of you.

Another side note: Today was a manic high, mood to extreme high. just thought I'd say something for when I myself go back and read this someday.