Complete rant

Ok, let me start off saying before I go any further with this that I’m in manic mode. Wasn’t a bad day but just got irritated with shit all in a row. I am a creature of habit. I have daily routines I go by in an ocd way. I get up and do the same thing every day, it took a minute to get this routine done since the ex’s departure, and I can’t say a whole lot because when memory man came to me, he dropped his whole world for me. I mean literally changed it to better suit me and my son's needs. I will be forever grateful for him, for I believe he was God sent. I don’t do change well at all, and this was a big adjustment for us all. But I was informed that things were going to change again. Oh, and wait for it… because this isn’t just one thing or subject I must talk about.

So, I was informed that now that my son is no longer going to the center, memory man’s boss has decided to have me take him to meet the boss an hour earlier now. Don’t ask me why, but I am pissed off. I was pissed my son was tossed from the center and changed things and had to except what it is. Now, because of his dismissal from there, his boss wants to throw in more changes. I already know most are probably thinking, “So what is the big deal, it’s just an hour?” well it is a big deal. This means getting up at five call me crazy, (we already have cleared this subject) but there is to me a big difference in six than five. Now, I must get my son up an hour earlier, that means for a grouchier son and a longer day with grouch. People, I know it’s just an hour, but when I say I have a routine I mean down to a rhythm, that just flows. I am by no means a morning person, but I have an alarm that I pop up to and off I’m going to start my list of things to do before memory man goes to work. I will get up and start his first cup of coffee to go into his mug, pee, and change into my clothes for the day. Then I will brush and put his hair in a ponytail. (I do that because I enjoy doing so.) I eat some m&ms’ and turn YouTube on my phone. Oh yea, when I am done getting dressed, I have started a second cup for his thermos. Then I will lay out his clothes and fix him something to eat while fixing the third and last cup to go in the thermos. Then I have a half an hour to forty-five minutes before we must leave or get the heathen up.

I like this time of the day, even though its morning. Its peaceful before the kayas of my day with my son starts. It is the deciding factor of how my day will go. Now, with that being said, on this routine I have managed to work out was really different than before. I know again big deal, kiss my ass. It is a big deal for me. The new and then the thought just sent me off to a manic moment trying to picture what this hour difference was going to look like, and I get it. Not a big deal. I will get over it after getting over the fact I am once again getting up early and taking off. I truly mean it when I say I hate to be alone, so taking him to meet his boss is hard enough to do. Then the thought of going home and being alone, and now alone with my son sends me to a panic for reasons that know me understand.

Now that I must go this hour early, I can’t even stop at the friend/sitter’s and hang out, I literally must go home now. That is what I think has got me in such a frenzy. I was getting used to incorporating her into my day and I didn’t have to be alone. I really don’t have any friends here other than a couple of individuals. Now I must be at home in my head with a difficult son, who I adore don’t get me fucked up for someone else. He just has needs and wants and a way of going about them that are different than most and still am coping and learning with how to deal with them on top of even how to talk to him.

I am scared that I am going to end up reverting to the hermit. It’s like once I get here, I give up on the outside and don’t want to leave, I am stuck not only in my head but the anxiety that keeps me here thereafter. I don’t know that the memory man understands why it upset me so, I don’t know how to say somethings and not be offensive or mentally sound, I guess. So, I will pour out crazy, manic, and rant here for you all.

SQUIRREL! So, I guess that rant is over on that subject. Because that was such a big squirrel, I almost am ready to totally move past my next rant. I find though it's important to get out because later I will be bothered by it again. I have a hard time with seeing people done wrong in a way that they could go to hell. I know this piece of shit bitch that has the nerve to…. Hold up I don’t know where to exactly to begin, but that’s I'm sure not the right place.

So, the blog I wrote about the friend lost before found, well this is regarding her significant other. (Why do they say significant other, she not significant at all) I think she’s a mean person with an ugly color about her. She radiates a baby shit green. Not attractive at all. She from what I understand likes to hit and uses phycological warfare. She is a gaslighting bitch who is selfish and ugly from inside out. They had a fight, like most couples do, but this got out of hand like down to what I assume to be as poisoning her dog. He almost died from what I gather. There was paint all over the floors, walls. and furniture. Now, this friend just got done putting money in doing a paint job in the home with money made from dog sitting for a friend whose house burnt down. I guess she was being paid by her insurance company for it. All that work she put into a house that bitch owns. Where this friend of mine called home for umpteen years… she destroyed it. And out the money she just spent as well as her time is ruined. Then to top it off because of the fight and the incident with what is believed a poisoned dog. The owner of the dogs she was sitting for up and took her dogs somewhere else. She just got a check for the month for watching them and was told not to cash it because she found somewhere else for them to go. Now I find that fucked up because the dog’s owners are also a good friend and just screwed her out of that money. And wasn’t even her fault.

Now, to add insult to injury… this baby shit colored bitch wants to throw my friend out now because she no longer is getting the money to watch the dogs!!!! (I'm like are you fucking serious right now?) wrong, it’s just wrong. If you ask me and mind you no one did… I think that she has another life where she works, oh yeah, she leaves her every week to work up there and I hear she claims to sleep in her car sometimes. Wtf ever man, none of my business, I get it. But then again, that’s why im ranting because I can’t just open my mouth and say anything to anyone. For most part because I have no idea if I'm right. It's just a feeling of what I think to be going on. Why would she use that excuse to throw her out when it was her fault to begin with? Makes no sense at all, but then again, I’m the crazy one.

I'm going to be about done with this rant, I reached out to her and let her know that my door is open for her, she will always have a place to go. God, I know how it feels to know that life as you know it isn’t at all what you thought it was and then know you would be thrown out of what you called a home you made with someone. Oh yeah, I didn’t mention… this friend gave her family up to be this this person. They didn’t approve of the lifestyle, and she gave it up to be with her. Loved her that much and look how she just got done. I'm so mad I can spit nails. I will pray for her “the fucking bitch” and pray she gets all she deserves in life. God willing that she will find out you can expect what you reflect. And she is an ugly person, and ugly is what will come at her. I know it's not my place to judge and she will be judged when time comes. I'll leave it there. For my friend, you are loved and with that is sanctuary. Sorry I put your business out there, but look, no one knows who I'm talking about let alone anyone reading this. So, with that I hope you don’t get upset with me.

Now the squirrel that got me earlier, I ended up calling my dad back from earlier. You know I’m dealing with stuff with my mom and this fight within feeling as though she doesn’t like me? Well, no I still believe that I’m just not excepting it at all. So that was the squirrel that got me earlier. I tell my dad everything and I am unable to reach my mom.

So, I been off for a while so like a squirrel moment, I still plan to talk about my mom, but she has done it again, she is something else. She really can fuck me up and not even try to. Well, I like to hope she don’t do it on purpose. I mean I guess she could be, feels like it sometimes. It drives me crazy that she just won’t hear me or does she and just not care. That is what I’m scared of, I think. If she doesn’t care, why listen? It truly tears me up inside to feel such a distance between us. I guess really, I ought to be used to it by now. I always thought it was all me, that I was just unable to deal with, that I was an embarrassment to her. Wade was always so good; I couldn’t compete with him.

Earlier today I went back to read the letter I gave her and made me cry. I thought how bad I would feel if one of my kids felt the way I wrote it to her. Lol I broke my own heart, no but really my heart aches for love from a mother I don’t think knows how to love me. Sometimes I think maybe she doesn’t know because maybe she doesn’t know happy. All these years and I just found it. If she never had it then how does she know she is? She tells me “I belong to Jesus” and “Give it to God” oh and my favorite is “just get a grip.” Man, I am so sick of hearing it, it literally is all she can come up with when she doesn’t want to face it or it don’t fit into her fabric of life. She doesn’t understand, don’t want to be explain to or show something, all she would have to do is read. I can’t understand why she don’t care to even understand my sons’ afflictions and what makes him tick. Oh, he’s just yours, he is going to be like you.

I’m ending here, it’s taken me three days to finish this. Seems every time I talk about her or too her, I have a seizor. So, I probably won’t talk about her anymore. It’s bad for me, I guess.

God bless everyone.