Betrayal

So, my mom and pop are really upset with me. They have also been informed that I now do these blogs. I’m not going to change anything because these are my emotions. At most maybe they would be embarrassed that I put it out there for people to read. And if you are reading this one now forgive me, this seems to be a way for me to feel better. Not like anyone reads this stuff, well maybe the ex-seeing how he’s made it a point to share with them the fact that I have one, or the picture he sent of the one I posted in the blog dating you best friend. Yeah, he showed me the picture and let me know he’s been on here. All I can say is read away. He’s the one who’s put me in the state I’m in now anyway. Maybe he will get some inner sight about how or what he’s done and maybe the next woman he involves himself with will be untouched by his selfish and damaging ways.

I really hate to talk about my mom, or the ex for that matter. I do fear that one day she will read these things and be hurt by what I have felt. The fact that she caused me to feel that way. From my understanding they had computer problems and needed a code for the one computer and couldn’t get it or find out who changed it. The ex being the last one they believe worked on it they reached out asking him about the code they needed to have to get back in their Facebook I believe. Anyway, I guess he asked if he could just come and fix it. They said they would like that he did so because they didn’t know how to fix it.

I was very sick, and I didn’t get the phone call to help, I was just out of it. I’m sorry that I didn’t get the call. Maybe if I had I could have helped rather than the ex be the one to have helped. When I got up the first thing of course was to call them back to make sure they were alright. First thing I remember them d saying is that I was going to be mad, but they had the ex-come and fix the computer last night. To be honest I only remember bits of anything else that was said thereafter. I was just shocked. I was thinking to myself why they did that. And why did they tell me they did that. I do believe I would have never known if they hadn’t told me so. Maybe it’s a damn if you do damn if you don’t things. I think I would have been just as bothered if I had found out and they have not told me.

She is very sorry that they did this but thought there was no other alternative than that. It just was hard to hear, and then the fact that he shared with them I had a blog. The fact that I know he’s gloating at the fact that they called on him for help must make him just ecstatic. Maybe at the thought of that is enough to get me going. She says that she did nothing wrong, and I am not saying she did, but she did ask him for a code. So that to me means that she did at least message him and in return he reached back out. I had already fixed the one and could have done the other if she would have just been patient. That is how I feel, it was that important that she had it at that moment that she felt ok with him going ahead and coming out to fix the problem is what gets me. Pop used to talk about shooting him before they liked him. And then again if he ever hurt me, that I was his baby girl, and he couldn’t be allowed to hurt me. He did hurt me though. I don’t want him shot by no means, but it felt good to know hurting me wasn’t something that was going to happen without repercussions. It feels like that it has been just the opposite that they have shown him not only was it ok, but at a moment, whether they felt or feel like it, they thought it was me. I had the problem. Convinced them that I was on drugs, that I was sick and needed help. It didn’t matter that when he called dcs I passed a screen. They still take what he says in consideration.

What really gets me is she is done having the conversation. I say I’m sorry, mostly because I brought it up in the first place. I will say I’m sorry, that its ok. Not to worry, I’m not upset. I’m sorry to have disappointed you again or have embarrassed you. Feels like that is always how it’s been. This may be unfair. I think about her reading this and her side knowing how she feels. I know she thinks nothing was wrong with it, but I still feel that they felt it was ok to even reach out to have him help was ok. I think about her ex-husband. Not my dad, but the other one. The things he did to her where unspeakable. He pushed her downstairs, broke her neck, and broke her ribs just to name a couple of things. I would have never gotten in contact with him for any reason other than to kill the bastard. He tried to touch me when I was still at home. This was before they got married. He was also doing drugs when she wasn’t around. I tried to tell her, but she thought I was just trying to keep her from being happy is what she said. Needless to say, I moved out soon after, I was close to being 18. And I found myself in my first real abusive relationship. May I also mention that because of her broken ribs, where the break was, she would for years keep breaking or cracking them in the same place. This had caused a spot on her ribs that they biopsied not long ago. She now has bone marrow cancer. Remember in the other blog I feel now she is time stamped.

I love my mom whole heartedly; it would just break my heart to lose her. At the same time though, I feel she may be the reason I am having so much trouble with my mental state, not just with the trauma. Boy that would just make her mad that I said that. I really wish I could talk to her without there being a fight. Really that isn’t what I’m after. I just want a relationship that isn’t so one-sided. That may not be fair either, but I shouldn’t be sorry for things that she has said or done that make no sense to me that have caused me to hurt in my heart.

Why is he allowed to keep hurting me even if at afar? I believe this man got back with me to get even from where I left him so many years ago. I thought he a blessing and he thought me a payback. He took the most from me than any other man I have been with. I’m not just talking material things either. My self-esteem, my dignity, the rest of my sanity, and part of my son’s mental state as well as the chance to be a different person. These are the important years that instils the fundamental things as adulthood comes. I don’t feel he’s been given the opportunity to be complete. That as he says “that man, (master of memory), has taken over in his shoes” must be the man, to be the man to show him different. By the way his shoes are much larger than his. I am glad he has him, he’s a good man. It'

s just not fair with all my son has been inflicted with as well as what has been instilled in his head, to have to be the one to fix it. It is what it is, I guess. He’s more than happy to be that man and does so unconditionally.

Now on an end note, now that I know you “the ex” is reading my blogs, it’s only fair that you have your side if you feel as though I am painting an unfair picture. That these things that I write about, though public are really none of your business. I feel as though you have read my journal, and that to was none of your business. Hey, I’ve come to grips with it. Read it all, maybe in the long run you will learn what not to do in the future. I honestly don’t think that will happen cause your opinion of women are very poor and I don’t think any woman would have a chance pleasing you. In your mind, we are all the same. You will always be the victim because you push people into doing things. Though you threw me over the edge, it did me a favor and I was able to reconnect with people that loved me. Yea, I had people all along, it was you that I felt I had only you and my parents. No one like you and the path you took me. Even though I am in the mental state I am now, as well as my son, we are better without you. I pray for you and the people in your life who don’t see you for the way you are. Someday I’m sorry for you, you will die a lonely man.

God bless you all and have a good night……