Baby girl and a secret

I’m going to bed with an uneasy heart, sick stomach, and a rushing wave of thoughts. My mind is on my baby girl (granddaughter). In all honesty she needs some good energy and prayer. I hope a higher power is hearing me tonight. This is a trigger for me as well. Not her, but what I feel is and has been going on for a while. I know with every bit of my being and gut that she is being abused sexually, and I’ll say this again, I give zero fucks about who reads what I say. There isn’t anyone closer to her than me. I see me in her. I feel love from her unlike my sons have ever made me feel. Don’t take that as its sounds. My boys love me as much, don’t get me started for any doubters. It’s different, I have never had a girl and she is just 6 months younger than my youngest. I had her for a period. It's clear that gram gram is safe, and I will die trying to make her safe if I must go against the devil himself. I will not let her go back to anything harming her. I will take my last breath fighting for that girl.

The last time she was here, everyone was here. I got to set her down alone and we talked about school. Of course, nothing bad. She didn’t like me to know those things. I asked her if she understood “good touch bad touch”. She at first says yes then I found she needed to be reminded. I also updated our agreement of the distance I will go to make sure she is out of reach of anyone that makes her feel any certain unhealthy way. She understood, then asked her if there was something she wanted to say to me. She hesitated and I already felt I was going to be sick. She looked at me with that look as though she was screaming behind her eyes. Put her head down looking at the floor. She shakes her head and simply says one word, no. as she slowly shakes her head side to side. All the signs are there. I’m not saying either that it is happening with her at the moment, but I am sure if it hasn’t then something she has witnessed has triggered her in to inappropriate and that is all I can say about that specific detail of my girl. I know, I feel it in me, something has or is happening to her.

I have my own vision as to what happened and is going on. I believe the oldest girl her big sister, belong to this man that just sends that creep vibe. Now mind you, when I first met her mom, she told me that the baby she was having was due to a rape of a much older person she knew. She did end up with him. If he was a horse at the track. I’d bet on him. I believe the light left her is about that time. I may be super sensitive about stuff like this and had no proof. I believe there after the damage had happen and was just going to exoculate from there. Then when she got remarried to this other man, I believe he married into a mess. She had been raised like an animal almost. And I may imagine that it was hard for him. Maybe she got the brunt of that as well. If she had been damaged already and it was never addressed then sure, she will act out. It’s a child’s way of screaming for help. I wish I had done something about it sooner. I am grateful she is out of that relationship; her mom is remarried now; I hope to someone who is kind to her and not be quick to jump on her behavior band wagon that people are saying she’s just bad. I don’t know of the people in and out of her life between times off with my son, proud of him whether he knows it or not. I’m rough on him because he is a gaming man-child. Really had to get my foot in his ass to get him to get on the ball. If he doesn’t do what needs to be done before a few days go past I will go to his state and drag him in. I can’t do anything because no grandparent rights. I just wish I could do it myself. Just impatient that way, as well as I think if you want something done right do it yourself. If given the chance I would do for her the same as I have done for my son. I believe she suffers from some disorder as well as what has been done to her. Her and my son are so much alike, it could be possible that she suffers from more than ADHD. I could get her the help she needed, the right help. There is more to it than her just being bad. No one has any patience with her and think that she’s just acting out. I’m here to tell you, when I have her, there is never a problem out of her that isn’t normal for a kid her age. You know why? She’s safe with me and she knows it. She’s very good for me. And she’s my lil girlfriend. I’m not just gram gram. Parents shouldn’t be their children’s friends. They need to be parents. It my job to be all rolled into one. It feels good to be like my mama, I was the only girl, and I was special in their world. Never been the same after she died. Let’s just say, I feel my girl and the pain, the fear. She will shut down if she is questioned and she may think that she will be in trouble with her mom.

I did call about whipping her. Her mother had the nerve to pull my baby girls pants down and spank her in front of 6 adults and her brothers and sisters. That right there is against the law, and I want to make sure it never happens again. You shouldn’t be spanking unless you use your hand on the butt with clothes on. How humiliating that must have been for her. They keep showing videos of people getting punished for stealing and what happens I think that there is more than someone her age should be seeing. I get learning a lesson, but that is extreme. I brought an officer to school for my son. (Her father) He also had sticky fingers and couldn’t get him to stop stealing. Granted they was little things, but it wasn’t the point. nothing I did made a difference, still ended up quitting school and got in trouble for stealing.

He tries hard to talk to her about what he had done, even from when he was her age. I tried to explain to him that if she’s going to do it, she will keep doing it. Sometimes it's like an addiction to steal. Even I when I was a young adult would shop lift. Hell, Walmart and one point helped to pay my rent. I eventually got caught, and I was lucky that they let me go with a stern warning. I have never stolen anything again. My son is a lot like I am, he likes to make his own path. I don’t know why we do it. For some reason we must learn the hard way. I am scared for my girl that he is going to go that path and we could lose her.

Like right know, he should be up donating and getting that emergency custody filed and put it with the support hearing coming up in 2 weeks. He also doesn’t understand that they have joint custody of them girls. He has more rights than he is utilizing. She can’t just say you can’t have them like a punishment and keep them away from him. That is what she does to me and there isn’t a thing I can do unless my son happens to have them. He can have an officer escort him on to their front door and say he wants his girls anytime. Right now, he isn’t allowed to know who her therapist is or location of their office. He doesn’t know their dr. he has every right to be just involved in this stuff as she does. What she is doing is wrong. How much you want to bet that she goes into her sessions with her. That makes her not be able to establish trust enough to open and get out what is going on. With my son, I would go back with him, but only to get him back there and there after I left. It's important for them to have that safe place. I think she does it so nothing will be said about what goes on behind closed doors.

Dcs is going to try and talk to her. If she wasn’t ready to talk to me about things, I’m sure she won’t share with someone else. And you know I don’t blame her really; I have seen where a child comes forward with what happened to them and end up having to go back to her assailants for more abuse this time with vengeance for opening her mouth. I just wish I could go in there and say, she’s coming with me. You can’t have her back. They are ruining her childhood and raising her to be a menu as an adult. They are talking about taking her to Gibault to teach her a lesson. That is a place that will mold her and make her worse than she already is. On top of that unwanted and abandoned. Oh, makes me so mad and scared for her at the same time.

It’s a new day and I am expecting him to get the ball rolling, they need to write out everything that comes to mind about the abuse he’s seen and he ability in raising the girls. She is the middle child and gets treated, well hardly treated period. She is unsupervised most the time and when she is shown attention it’s the brunt end of anger. She got into her stepdad’s knife collection and almost cut her finger off. She wanted me to be there. She held on to me till they finished. She wanted nothing to do with her mom. She didn’t keep her safe, that collection should have been secured and it wouldn’t have happened. Hell, my baby girl is almost legally blind. She was born with all kinds of things wrong with her eyes, they were crossed so bad on top of it. If it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t have gotten taken care of. I was the one that made sure she got to her appointments. At least now she keeps up with her regular checks of her eyes and gets her the glasses she needs. I'll give her that even though the out of pocket has been mine or my sons.

I think I’m going to have my son investigate getting her a COSA to be assigned to her. That way someone is always watching, they have more right to show at any time and see about her wellbeing. That may be a thing though that must be court ordered. I'll make sure to have my son investigate it.

In the end if I find that for a little while ill have these girls, I realize the stress I’m taking and the state that I am in, how it will be affecting me. I have given it a lot of thought. Even when I lost my shit and checked out of here and broke down, before I did, I made sure my son was safe with someone I trusted, called my parents, and told them what was happing. I did take care of my responsibilities before allowing myself to let go and break. I know when I mentally must get a check now. I'll just bundle them up and take them rock hunting to add to my rock garden. It really is a good way to clear your mind and distract yourself from the stress of just everyday life.

You know I will leave this blog to be continued. It is a work in process. That there will be more to this story. I think I will wake the napping memory man and go rock hunting myself.

Hope you guys have a blessed day, so do something to brighten someone’s day. Sometimes a smile is all that it requires. They are contagious.