I am so pissed off right now, have been for hours. I didn’t know where to begin or what I was going to talk about. So here it is, plum pissed the fuck off. I’m beyond the point of irritation. I probably shouldn’t even be writing about it, but I have decided to anyway and get it out of me.
I did the blog about my son and his autism, so he goes to a clinic here where we live and I will try to keep names and the place to myself, but this is to a point where if feel he hasn’t had a fair hand delt to him. He was diagnosed with this since June 4, 2021. And when I got it done, I was told he was to get 35 hours of services for him a week, this is a full-time thing. So, I had been put on a waiting list and while doing so I had to let him go to school. A child with this doesn’t do transition well. Before this the school he was going to decided they didn’t want him to come back, that I needed to have him go to a school in his own district. He went to the school as to where I worked and was picked up and dropped off at an address in their district. He has been going to this township since a baby in daycare. Because of his behavior it’s like he’s been pushed out of here and there. Honestly, primary school is the only place that stuck it through with him. He has an IEP that is in place for him. This is supposed to be there for moments where he is feeling overwhelmed and needs a break to have one, also to meet his special needs are concerned. Where in secondary school I feel they would let him go until he explodes, then they would call and have me get him because he was out of control. Seemed every time I went to get him, he was in a hold so not to hurt himself or anyone else. Just hard for me to see because even though he would be so bad with me, I have never had to do that to get him under control. It would make me so mad, the students got to where they would push him to that point, then make fun of him when he loses control. The last one he went to in town was a terrible place unless you were white and was well behaved, you may think I’m being overdramatic but more than me will tell you that the school was bias.
I worked hard to get him in that clinic. When he was diagnosed with the spectrum all that was trying to help in the mental field couldn’t treat him because he was autistic. The center was well aware that my son was special and had some sever issues, but they thought his behavior was so bad that they don’t want him there at all. They came up with every excuse possible to have him stay at home. They went as far to tell me that he wasn’t in direct contact with someone who had covid he had to stay home, and the center was going to be closed as well for a week. He just got done with a quarantine prior and tested negative. It was confirmed that they had been open, my friend and babysitter went by and seen it was indeed open. They just don’t want to deal with him.
Just found out Wednesday that he has DMDD, (which is for another blog). This is a disorder that effects the way behavior is processed in his brain. He is defiant and goes to extreme temper tantrums. This explains a lot of his behavior. It's not his faut and I am getting him into another clinic. They have decided even though it's not time for his redetermination yet, they were going to go ahead and let him go. They are not equipped for my son and his needs. They give me a two-week notice. I took him out of school for this place and he’s good about saying thank you, please, God bless you, excuse me, and whatever other 400 and some skills he’s learned. Treat me fucken stupid about things because I can’t retain or remember things. It’s called brain damage shit nuggets, I’m not stupid. Notes taken at our session, meeting, whatever they want to call it. Ya know, she’s a damn liar. For one, that center is open and says he has to miss because of covid, even though he has tested negative. It was to my understanding, that this meeting was a meet and greet virtual. Says in the email where they made the appointment, that she was the new whatever and that she looked forward to working with my son. Wanted to set up a meet and greet. That was b.s., this was like being fired or an expulsion from school. That is another thing that turns my crank, I took him out of school for this center because I was to believe that was what I was supposed to do. I shouldn’t have done that and went ahead and got him in somewhere where he could do both. He has missed the whole third grade, and I have been screaming about doing both with them from the beginning, they told me he would get a certificate of completion. WTF! So, they are saying that there is not an education to have just behaviors? That is bull shit, when he is smart enough and can learn. You are hindering him from further education. That leaves him at a third-grade level of education. So unacceptable.
So, I started this blog last night and was too angry to finish… I decided to finish it today. Was reluctant to do this and vent about it but, I do believe I left out the who and where. As for my mental state today, it is very low. I found I have cried some today. I feel like my son is being decimated against, and unwanted. He can’t help his disorders no better than I can with mine. Feeling a little bit responsible for them because I suffer from some of the mental that he’s dealing with, which they say is in the genes. Yesterday was a good high for me. Got a lot done. And today I just want to cry and go to bed.
I was in a down spiral when I was with the ex and all I would do is color. Well, I just a bit ago was looking at markers and thought about how I locked myself in my room and colored and would escape the outside world. Other than this blog, I’m in my room doing so. I grabbed all my beads to make my necklaces and bracelets. I realize I’m doing the same thing, just with different things to do. And why? I’m genuinely a happy person now with a man that is my person, this manic stuff has got me, I think and that has to be my problem as well as this business with the center has brought me really down.
The day has got away from me, now it’s late and want to be done with this whole subject. I emailed the center; it took most the day getting it just right and perfectional about how it was all worded. Must admit, I was impressed with myself. So, you already know that I got a response back with their bases carefully covered. I don’t care what they have to say. They have done wrong by my son; he deserves better than being dismissed like garbage before he’s to transition into a new center. There is no good reason to hurry and get him out. This decision was made before redetermination date, had a month to go. By the time he was to be placed into somewhere, would have been lesser time to his redetermination date. They act like they are doing me a favor by giving me notice of two weeks, made sure to let me know they are within rights to terminate services at any point. Man, just pisses me off.
God willing, I hope to hear from the other center next week and get his life going. Truly to have the help he needs verses the colossal waste of time this last year has been. Well, I should say the last 5 months. I will close here and put it to rest. I just feel another defeat with us. Feel like we’ve been a door mat for life and people who run it. No justice for anything that has been afflicted upon us. I guess I will thank God for what blessings he has given us. Happy home, food on the table and a good man to have as an example for my son, not to mention the love he resonates. I guess when I look at the blessings, this shit really is just that…. Shit
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