Grr…. I hate to start the day like this. It was a good morning to start off, but after I drop everyone off it feels kind of depressing. I so much hate to be alone. I always seem to get caught up in my head. Not a safe place there lol. I have so much gone on but little at the same time. Like cleaning this house. I just can’t get myself motivated. It's not dirty by no means, but it got clutter fucks. I’m what I like to call disorganized organization. A lot like my brain. Have you ever seen the movie I think it’s called “Dreamcatcher”, not sure? Anyway, this group of men go to this cabin and run into first a man with some red stuff on his body ana end up having an alien in him. It takes over one of the men and is trying to get into his brain about someone who was picked on in school, had a nickname (can’t remember that either). There is this portion of the movie you get to see him trapped in his brain and it’s like an unorganized library. This is kind of how I see my brain. Books and files strung all over the place.
I hate when memory man goes to work, yesterday it was late when he went in, and we went rock hunting for a while. I find it is very calming for me and takes my mind off stuff, and really takes my anger away. Today he goes in and I’m alone. We are so close that it's hard to have him gone. We never get to a point of there’s nothing to talk about. He still manages to surprise me with glimpse of a new memory. I love when it happens, it’s like circuits in my head connecting. Feels like electricity going on in there. But here alone its empty and the silence is so loud it makes my brain blead. It truly is defining ring of silence. I’ll call and keep him on the phone for as long as I can get away with.
Funny thing when you limit yourself with just a few good friends. You find that when they are busy you must entertain yourself. Never was one of my strong suits. The friends that live in another county is not available either. One has family member passing away, and others, well I just stay away from cause, well nothing but trouble.
Truth is, there is this woman I would love to hang out with, but she doesn’t like me cause of a misunderstanding from a text message. She took it personally and really; I was just venting about others. She is someone whose name was whispered in my ear. I always assume our dead loved ones visit us in our dreams, so this is one of those times where I felt I was supposed to reach out to her. It was one of two friends. I thought I had a message I was to give, but it was just her name that was whispered. So, I was determined to talk with her.
The memory man is very good friends with her, so I got the chance to hang out with her a few times. After a while, hearing some of her story I realized that it wasn’t a message, but I was to be her friend. Maybe like we needed to have our story shared with each other. I know it sounds strange, but I feel like that we have similar stories and would help some of the hurt in our hearts. Like I feel she has the same disconnect with her family like I do mine. Well, other stuff to that I don’t want to share now. Trauma is trauma, and I think that ours may help one another. I could be way off base too and she think I’m a complete weirdo. She wouldn’t be the first and I’m sure not to be the last.
I ended up fucking it up, like I said it was this text, I guess I should have read it before I sent, because it was taken badly, and it wasn’t meant to be. I was just venting, and I compared it to something that I could relate to. So, memory man had a birthday, and all these people was to show up. He made a big kettle of beans. Well, when I talked to this friend of his, she said she was coming. Well, when she didn’t, I asked why she wasn’t there, and I thought she would have been. (Side note; I don’t think she was able to drive) and should have offered a ride there or to just go pick her up. Sorry I didn’t. I felt so bad that no one came. He says it didn’t bother him, it hurt me for him. He assured me that it was like that every year. So, I text her and said that it reminded me of a friend we have in common that had passed and I compared how I felt about it to her getting sick and no one being around then. She took it real personally, made me feel horrible, especially because I made her feel I was talking about her.
As a new friend, I thought I could talk to her and never thought about how I might of came across to her and possible take personal what I said. The feeling that I felt for mystery man’s birthday and no one showing up was like when our friend passed, and no one was around. I can see a little why she thought I meant her. My hand to God I swear that I was just comparing the feelings I was having. Him not having anyone show on his day made me feel a lonely that Terri felt the last few months she had left. I wasn’t there 24-7 either to know who was there for her then, not to mention I didn’t know this woman like that to place judgement. She told me to stay in my own lane, that I don’t give a fuck or have a fucking clue as to what she was going on in her life. That hurt to cause I really do give a shit. I only had that memory of losing her to compare him alone with just me with it. She thought I was signaling her out, I think.
I just been trying to force myself on her till she decided to like me. (After all, to know me is to love me… or hate me.) I fell all over myself apologizing to her about it and it really made no difference at the time. She really wasn’t trying to hear it. Now I know I have a tendence to be obnoxious at times, but I really was pushing myself into her world. I kind of got obsessive about it because I felt like I was supposed to build this bridge and I crumbled it by mistake. So, I decided to make her a necklace as sort of olive branch, I guess. Memory man delivered it today and the funniest thing…. She asked him the link to my blog page, and I just happen to be writing about her at the same time. Something else was funny too. As I was finishing up her necklace, she sent out a gift for me before I had a chance to give her hers. Twice there was times where we must have been thinking about one another. I don’t know, lol, I’m crazy I guess.
I hope she reads this one. I hope she understands why I said what I said and wasn’t trying to single her out or even include her in the comment I made. I truly thought she was someone who would have understood where I was coming from, not that she was one of those people that I was refereeing too. Truthfully, I am not the one to come at someone with something of that nature.
I hope that in time, she will see I’m not the kind of person to make someone feel the way I did her. I really didn’t have anything to compare the way I was feeling at that moment. I hate to use her as an example because it was heartbreaking to watch happen. I wouldn’t want to upset especially one of her friends. I would surround myself with people that rejoice in her memory, not make them feel bad about the end of her life.
In time I am sure I will get to her, and she will realize she wants to be friends and that to know my stupid ass is to love me. My intentions are never to hurt or offend, and maybe she forgives me for making her feel that way. This shall be left with a; this will be continued.
God bless everyone, have a great day!
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